Where do babies come from???

We did it!

2010-06-06T14:55:00.002-05:00

Sorry I've been quiet lately... a lot has been going on. Masarra's water broke Saturday morning, May 22nd, but I thought I was just peeing on myself. I noticed a trickle down my legs at 2:45 and 4:45 in the am when I got up to pee. After that, it stopped, so I didn't think anything of it. My parents got in Saturday night around midnight... they volunteered for a later flight in to get free tix to come back and see us all. Thankfully they volunteered for the late Saturdy flight instead of the early Sunday am option, because Sunday morning I started "peeing" on myself again. I laid down for half an hour to see if I leaked when I stood up, and sure enough, when I got up at 5:15 am after peeing at 4:45, I leaked again... too fast for it to be urine. So, I woke Sami up and told him my water had broken. I've never seen him jump out of bed so fast in my life! lol Anyway, we drove to the hospital... left my parents asleep upstairs... and I didn't even call my OB. I figured we'd get confirmation that it was my amniotic fluid first before bothering my OB 2 Sunday's in a row! lol Sure enough, it was amniotic fluid and a little over 2 hours after arriving at the hospital at 6:00 am, little miss Masarra decided to make her grand entrance at 8:08 am weighing in at 5 lbs 8 oz. She is adorable if I do say so myself.

Can I wait an extra day to meet you Masarra?

2010-04-19T19:16:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted... but don't worry, Sami's still doing silly things to drive me crazy and keep me entertained at the same time. Most recently, he bought a car for the HUGE family that he'll have soon... 3 people call for a Tahoe with third row seating, right? lol And just like when we bought our house, and my car, as soon as he owned his Tahoe, he was ready to sell it. That's just my Sami. :)

Saturday I did a small yardsale to raise a little funds for the baby shower favors I wanted to prepare for the baby shower this weekend. Sami decided that my packaging needed a little jazzing up, so he took me to Walmart yesterday to spice things up. Once I'd finished, he told me that my packaging was now "SEXXXY!" Not quite what I was going for... perhaps he was going for "CLASSY" instead? :) Nevertheless, they now have his approval!

We went to the high risk doctor today, and in his words, "my cerclage is keeping my cervix on lockdown like a deadbolt". Good to know Miss Masarra is protected so well! She's weighing in at 3lbs 12 oz... right at 50th percentile. So she's perfectly normal, which is amazing considering I've been diabetic since week one essentially!! No big baby for me! She should be around 6 1/2 lbs when she's born... which brings me to the "bad" news of today's visit. I HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE EXTRA 24 HOURS TO SEE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, yes, before, you all think it, I know it will totally be worth it, but dang it, I had my heart set on Monday the 24th. But today we learned that the lab needs extra time to process our amnio results, so we will do th amnio on May 24th and hopefully deliver on May 25th. I'm getting that booked next Monday so they better not change their minds again! Or else!!! Yeah, right... like I have a choice. :) Oh, and we got to see her breathing too... soooo neat!

Sami bought me a Baby Book today after our appointment, and lunch with Miss Jenn of course. He said he's getting more into the baby stuff now because "It's real now!" Yeah, cuz us going in weekly and seeing our little girl didn't make it real, I guess. Oh well, at least he's getting into the swing of things now. :) And he's kind of right... now that we've got 2 baby showers coming up in the next few days, and her clothes are washed, and we have toys for her, it does kind of seem more real. :)

From Cucpakes to Murder... all in one week

2010-03-13T16:38:00.005-06:00

Read ahead and you'll see why I nearly lost it several times this week... in fact, I'm pretty sure I did a time or two...

Last Monday, my parents were in town visiting and marking items off my to do list. My nursery is now complete with a dimmer and smoke detector, my stroller is put together, my house is decorated for Easter and all of Masarra's clothes for the first few months are washed and put away. I was excited that they got to stay until Tuesday as it meant that they could go with us for our sono and Dr visit on Monday and see their grandbaby.

Strike one for Sami:

Now, I've been on strict bedrest for 6 straight weeks now, and it feels like it has been 3 months... or more... So, I decided, after 4 weeks of strong cervical readings on the sono and negative fFN's (test to predict risk for PTL) that I was going out to lunch to celebrate with my family before we went to the OB for my weekly checkup. There's this great seafood restaurant by the hospital, Papadeux's that Sami and I ate at a while back and decided we wanted my parents to try when they were here. Granted, that was before our nightmare over 5 weeks ago, but still... So I told Sami Monday morning that we were all going out to eat before my doc appt. And I told my parents. They asked if I should sit up that long, but I was convinced that my cervix had proven itself again. Sami was upstairs studying for a midterm, so I told my parents that we'd leave at 12:30 to give us 2 hours before my appointment...plenty of time.

Around 11:30, we had just started watching the Young and the Restless downstairs, Sami came bounding downstairs and got his backpack and was halfway out the door before I could stop him. He said he was going to the library to study for his test. I was like "What about lunch and the Dr?" He said he thought I was kidding... and I LOST IT! Call it hormones, call it cabin fever, there was no way I was not going out in public for a few precious moments. So, after I calmed down, he realized how important it was to me (I may have threatened him with bodily harm, who knows?!). And I got my outing! It was awesome!

Sure enough, even after sitting up for 2 hours before our appointment, my cervix was measuring just fine, and the funneling was actually better than it had ever been. My OB was pleased with the results and said our next milestone was getting to 36 weeks. He told us it is time to decide if we take the cerclage out at 36 weeks, or 37, so I plan to seek my Peri's opinion on the topic a week from Monday when I see him again. So, I thought that meant I could get out of bed a little more; I mean, I'm doing great, and we'd originally talked about strict bedrest from 21-26 weeks, but no, that was not to be. My OB says I get to remain stranded here until at least week 32. FUN FUN! Let me tell ya!

My OB asked that we return yesterday to do our fFN since we are due every 2 weeks now. Sami and I decided we'd take our favorite cupcakes in to the office to celebrate us having hit the 26 week milestone. And that was Sami's second chance to drive me up the wall. We agreed to take cupcakes after our appointment Monday, and I mentioned it several times during the week. I told him Thursday evening we had to leave the house 15 minutes early to be sure we got them. And he was like yeah, yeah....

Stike Two:

Friday morning rolled around, and he was the bear he normally is when trying to get him out of bed. He won't use an alarm clock so I have to remember to wake his butt up each day, and he's grumpy, let me tell you. When we got in the car, me lying down mind you, he asked me if I was serious about the cupcakes. Really!?! How many times do I have to mention it to be serious? But he agreed we would stop by the Cupcakery on the way.

Now, lying down, it is rather difficult to really know where in the heck you are on the road. But, I had a feeling we had driven to far, so 10 minutes into our trip, I raised my head and saw he'd missed the exit for the Cupcakery by about 3+ miles. I asked him where he was going and he yelled "To get the cupcakes!". I asked him if he knew where it was, and he insisted he did. So, I then asked how come he'd passed it. He was shocked. The Cupcakery is on Lebanon road... Surely after 4 years in Texas and him being Lebanese, he should know where in the heck Lebanon road is, right? I mean, we've been there quite a few times and pass Lebanon road all the time. But no, he forgot, and drove past it when we were already short on time.

So, he made a U-turn and headed back on the tollway towards Lebanon. I sat up again when he started slowing down to be sure he was at the Lebanon road exit. And HE WAS! YEAY!!!! But, once I laid back down, I felt the car turning, and knew it was too soon. He'd taken the under Tollway road that takes you away from Lebanon road. So I asked him again, did he know where he was going, and he was like "YES!" So, I said, "How come you missed it again then?" Next came a slew of expletives in Arabic. I calmly told him to make yet another U-turn and to drive straight until he saw an actual sign that said "LEBANON ROAD". He asked me if I really wanted the damned cupcakes that bad and I was shocked/ready to kill him. Of course I did!!! It was my 26 week mark and a day to celebrate! I had already picked out exactly which ones I wanted, all in shades of pink to celebrate our little girl reaching viability.

The third time was the charm, and when he followed my directions, he found the place. And we actually made our selections (and got him a double espresso next door) and still made it to the doctor's office on time (well, a minute late, but that's ok). The office was thrilled with the treat. The Cupcakery's cupcakes are sooooo good, and the presentation is beautiful in and of itself. My OB was just getting back in from a procedure at the hospital when we got there, but took time to eat a cupcake himself before he came to see us for our exam. :) He wanted to know if we were trying to kill him by upping his cholesterol. lol I told him we just wanted to celebrate and he agreed, 26 weeks is worth celebrating! My exam went great, we had lots of people popping in to thank us for the cupcakes.

Next, our doc told us we'd get our results back from the fFN same day (since it was a Friday they put a rush on them, and thankfully they came back negative!), and that our next milestone to focus on was delivery. Over the next few weeks, we have to decide if we are going to delivery at 36, 36.5 or 37 weeks. Originally, he had said 36 weeks, but now he wants to get my Peri's opinion since me being on insulin means it may take a little longer for Masarra's lungs to develop. Either way, we will be having a baby in our hands in late May. After such a looooooooong journey, that seems unbelievable honestly.

Strike Three:

So, with Sami having survived his two strikes for the week, it looked like we were on our way to a new week without issue. But no... that was not to be. Every Friday, since the 16 week mark, Sami has been giving me a super progesterone shot that acts as a muscle relaxer from my uterus and keeps the contractions at bay. Not only does the shot relax my uterus, it also knocks me out like a light. The first time I took the shot, I slept for 24 hours with breaks only to eat because my blood sugar was dropping. I've gotten better at staying awake during the day on Saturdays now, but it is still tough. By 8 o'clock last night, I was ready to call it a night, and went to bed. I could tell that this shot was hitting me hard after a light week last week.

Imagine my surprise then to be woken from a deep deep slumber around 1:30 in the morning. Was it the dog next door that has suddenly decided to bark at all hours of the night? No, that would be too easy/predictable. I awoke startled by a jackhammer (or so I thought) right next to my head. A jackhammer named Sami! He was snoring louder than I have ever heard any human possibly do. And while we have a king size bed which I take up very little of, he'd somehow managed to get right next to my ear and do it!

I started putting my hands on his face to try and make him stop, but it wouldn't work. He'd stop for a second and then start right back up! I listened to him for 20 minutes before getting up to use the restroom and contemplate ways I could kill him and not get busted. Ironically, he said later today he heard me get up and go to the bathroom and heard me mumbling something about a dog. Yes, I was mumbling that at least I could call the cops on the damned dog, but what the hell was I supposed to do with a husband that wouldn't stop snoring?!

So, I got back in bed and tried to go back to sleep. I was sooooo exhausted. But the jackhammer would not stop! After it had been over an hour and I was in tears, I shook him awake. He was upset to begin with for me having woken him up. Once I explained that he'd had me awake for an hour though, he shut up and turned over and let me go back to sleep before he started snoring again. Thus, he walked away with his life! He woke up early this morning, but was nice enough to leave the bedroom and let me catch up on my much needed sleep.

Sami came to join me in bed around noon today, and we both got a good laugh out of how loud he'd been. I was in tears with laughter this time instead of from frustration like I was last night. I confessed that I'd actually contemplated murder last night after it was his third strike this week. I couldn't do that though, because no matter how much he has gotten under my skin this week, I realize that he's been a sweetheart and has taken care of everything I need... waiting on me hand and foot for the past 6 weeks. How can you stay mad at someone like that? So I will wipe his slate clean... for another week. :)

A major milesone!

2010-02-19T21:01:00.002-06:00

Today marks a major milestone - we've reached 23 weeks without going into labor!! We are one week away from the beginnings of the viability spectrum and Masarra is holding on tight. She's been incredibly active this week. Perhaps she knows Mama needs a little extra reassurance that all is well. :)

Sami and I were pleased to get a relatively good report from the doctors this week. My cervix declined about 1/4 of a centimeter instead of the more than 1 centimeter a week that I was losing. Looks like all of this bed rest is paying off! Now if I can only manage to endure 13 more weeks of it w/o being admitted to the hospital. I really hope I can, because this week has taught me an important lesson: Bed rest is VERY difficult if you don't have TIVO! Seriously, I have nearly wiped out my TIVO library. Thankfully neighbors and friends have given me DVDs to watch. I mean, I like the Olympics and all, but I must confess that I am not as in to them this year and most of my staple programming is in rerun during the Olympics. :(

I never thought I was a supersticious person before the start of our fertility journey, but boy am I now! I made Sami help me pack a bag for the hospital this past Monday with the exact thought that if I didn't, they'd tell me I had to be admitted. So, now that bag is stitting next to the bed ready for a return trip to the doctor on Monday. Hope it still has some magic left for Monday.

So, how have I passed my time, besides watching TV that is? I've played Facebook games, solitaire and pinball till I'm blue in the face. Today, I decided to close my eyes and imagine that Sami and I got to go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner tonight. I was enjoying my imaginary yeast roll until Sami covered my nose and mouth so that I couldn't breath to snap me out of it. Yep... I'm going crazy folks! I'm sooooo excited for Monday so that I can get out of the house for another horizontal car ride... only this Monday I get 2. I have an endocrinologist appointment for the gestational diabetes checkup and then an afternoon appointment to see how things are going with my cervix. Yeay! Fieldtrips! lol

I really thought yesterday would have been a rough day for me since that was the day that I went into labor last time. However, I had a prenatal massage on Wednesday and did a session of bodytalk (similar effects as meditation) where I concentrated on convincing myself that it is possible for my body to go to 36 weeks with this pregnancy. I honestly alternate day to day as to how much I truly believe that. But yesterday I did, so that is all that mattered. It helped me make it through the day. I was not, however, able to watch one of my favorite shows, Private Practice. Seriously, could they have picked a better day to show a woman struggling with what to do for her 25 week preemie?! I wonder about Shonda Rimes sometimes. Right after we lost Solomon to NEC, she happened to have a young boy on Grey's Anatomy suffering from Short Bowel Syndrome... which Solomon would have been at risk for had he survived. I didn't even TIVO Private Practice last night. I figured by the time I can handle that epidsode, it will be in reruns anyway.

So, it's time for another action packed weekend of lying in bed doing nothing! Jealous, aren't ya!? lol

2 weeks down...14 to go???

2010-02-12T17:55:00.003-06:00

We've survived another week of strict bedrest. Only 2 trips to the hospital this week... not bad! lol All is going well so far overall. With one exception. I am HUNGRY 24/7. I need a buffet table set up in my bedroom I guess! Yesterday I couldn't get enough food, ever. I had Sami go out and get me an order of spaghetti w/meat sauce AND meetballs. I usually split that order over 2 days. Not yesterday. I wolfed it down and looked around the bed hoping that there'd be more somehow... no use. I hate half a loaf of french bread too. So, you'd think my blood sugar would be through the roof, but it wasn't. That's the thing, my blood sugar has been on the low end this week. I've not had to use my pre meal insulin at all. And it looks like I'll have to cut back on my morning and evening doses too. Guess all this laying around and doing nothing is taking it's toll. :)

We got a TON of snow yesterday. They are saying that 12.5 inches fell in 24 hours, the most since 2011. It was beautiful to watch it from my bedroom windows, but I wish I could have been out there with all the other kids and kids at heart building snowmen. Next winter hopefully, we'll have Masarra out there playing in the snow with us!

That's the last time Sami gets a vacation during this pregnancy! :)

2010-02-08T16:25:00.002-06:00

Let me start by saying I am exhausted!!! I didn't get much sleep last night. First, I had bad heartburn from the pizza I had while watching the superbowl. Then, when I wanted to go to sleep I got this horrible pelvic pressure that would not stop for like an hour or more. By then, I was terrified to go to sleep. I knew I had an early am OB appt, so I didn't call since I wasn't feeling contractions. Today, we learned that my funneling is worse and my cervix is now 3.4 to 3.8 (OB vs Peri measurements a few hours apart) with 1.5 to 2 above the stitch. Ideally, you want your cervix to be 4cm long at this point until week 24 when it naturally starts to shorten. I was admitted for a while for contraction monitoring, but didn't have any noticeable contractions, so my docs got together and decided that if I stay on strict bedrest, I can spend the next week at home. So, here I am, back where I was last pregnancy, but at least this time I have a cerclage. All my faith is now in that tiny little stitch. And, this just goes to show that my cervix really is incompetent and that I REALLY needed that cerclage back in December. I think my Peri was beginning to question whether or not my cervix was wacky since things had been going so well. It's amazing how fast the decline was this time. It wasn't even this bad last time with twins in there.

Apparently I am a legend in L&D. When I checked in today everyone was all smiles asking if I remembered them (we stayed quite a while last time and I had a pretty nasty infection after delivery). Several things surprised me. My nurse today was my nurse the day I delivered, and she remembered me immediately. She said she's never been angrier in her life than she was with my old Peri the day I delivered. (He was very cold and to the point in saying "Baby B didn't make it." followed by a swift exit from my room and life... yes, I would have never seen him again if I hadn't sought him out). Apparently all the nurses know about it and were shocked by his behaviour... all this time I thought it was just me. lol Sounded like he's been blacklisted by more than just Sami and I. Everyone was thrilled that we are pregnant again and have made it this far. I feel like I have such a huge stand full of cheerleaders for us. While I'm scared by the rate of change in my cervical length (apparently they are concerned with anything over a .5cm change per week) I am placing my full trust in that handy dandy cerclage.

Please, continue to keep us in your prayers. We appreciate all that you've done for us to date and pray that we can carry this little bundle of joy until she's had enough time to come out with a fighting chance.

Obsessions...

2010-01-21T13:09:00.005-06:00

If you talk to most pregnant women, they look forward to the day they will bring their little one home from the hospital. They obsess over nursery decor and having to wait 2 months to get an ultrasound. They don't however obsess over whether or not they'll be able to carry to term, or wonder how many days this child will have to spend in the NICU until they come home. They don't have weekly doctor visits, have 4 doctors managing their pregnancy, take weekly shots to prevent PTL, or obsess over silly things like cervical length. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to obsess over all of the above! But, our experiences make us stronger, and if I had to go through something like what we've been through, I would like to think we've learned from it.

And then there's my blood sugar readings. I obsess over them too. They've been higher than I'd like lately in part due to the progesterone shots I am taking to prevent PTL. Not only do they make me very very tired, they apparently also affect my body's ability to process insulin. I have an appointment tomorrow with my sugar doctor, and for the firs time, I'm not looking forward to it.

And then there's the obsession about how much Masarra moves. She's a quiet one. She'll let me know she's there, mostly right before bed, but doesn't make a lot of movements... definitely very different from her brothers who were learning to be little soccer players in utero. Masarra likes to take it easy. She doesn't even move around a lot during the sonos. She's used to paparazzi now I suppose. :)

Obsess is a strong word, but it is the right word in this case. I actually went a week without a doctor visit this week, and you'd have thought I'd had to wait 2 months for my next sono! Every time I get a round ligament pain, I worry that it is a contraction, or pelvic pressure indicating that my cervix isn't holding up. Or, God forbid I should get gas, because then I'm convinced I will deliver any minute. Every minute of every day, I am obsessing. I've been told I have to give myself permission to carry to term. I hope it is that easy. Mind over matter they say, right?

So, since I'm on bedrest, I have lots and lots of time for TV. I caught a repeat of Oprah last week about a little boy who'd lost his twin brother and was depressed. Nate, one of her designer buddies who lost his SO in the Tsunami 5 years ago, shared with the family his realization that you could harp on dates and their associated memories be it the day of someone's birth, or their passing, or you could allow yourself to feel emotions as they come, and not only on certain days. It is very liberating.

And then there's Mrs. Wendy Williams, who used her show to bring the spotlight to the issue of women having the courage to try again after losing babies to miscarriage or incompetent cervices. Yep, there she was on national TV in all her glory telling the world her "Cervix had issues" (you should have seen her hand gestures!) but that with medical help and bedrest, she was able to have her son Kevin, who's now 9, after 3 losses (1 miscarriage and 2 losses from IC). Now when I watch Wendy, I am smiling, because 1. she's a hot mess (in a good way) and 2. she's always happy!. So after her revelations this week I decided if she can be happy after all she's been through, I can give myself permission to keep trying and hopefully one day I can be that happy again too.

I'm sleep walking for babies! Won't you join me?

2010-01-14T17:25:00.003-06:00

So, since I'm on bedrest this year, the closest I will get to Marching for Babies with the March of Dimes is in my dreams. BUT, you can still help! Check out the link below:

Click here to help me reach my goal!

I'm very excited to be a part of March for Babies this year. Please help me reach my goal by making a donation to my walk. It's easy and secure - just click through to make your donation.

As you all know, our family was profoundly impacted in 2008 by the loss of our sons, Solomon and Rafe, who unfortuantely entered this world to soon. We are truly blessed to be having a second chance and anxiously await the arrival of little Masarra Ann Khoury in late May of this year. With this new pregnancy we have already benefitted tremendously from medical advances brought to us in part by none other than the March of Dimes. With their help, we hope to avoid another pre-term birth. Sami and I hope you will help us help this organization with their truly valuable work.

Your gift will fund March of Dimes research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies (Yes, that's me!!!) and babies begin healthy lives(Yes, that's you Masarra!!!). And it will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care.(Their information was invaluable to us in 2008 as parent's of a NICU baby.)

Please support this important work. You can make a donation with your credit card, or if you prefer, cash or a check is fine, too.

Thank you for helping me give all babies a healthy start!

To make a donation, visit my personal Web page at

http://www.marchforbabies.org/tracykhoury

If you would like to learn more about March for Babies, visit the Web site at
www.marchforbabies.org.

Would you like to see what March for Babies is and why I'm walking?
Click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P_dFD0J47I to see the video.

The March of Dimes mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Little Masarra is doing just fine. I can feel her move around more day after day and tell her daily that she's gotta stay in until at least late April or May. No negotiation on that! lol

My cervix continues to look great. We are having to watch her placenta now though as it has decided to be low lying for the time being which could be problematic as we enter the latter part of the second trimester and early third. My docs have their eyes on it though, so I am not terribly worried.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-01T20:14:00.002-06:00

Week 16 is here! And so the IM shot fun begins again! That's right... now that we've made it to the 16 week mark, I have started my P17 injections (a compound of fun stuff and progesterone) that is supposed to help ward off pre-term labor. I'll be doing them weekly from now until week 36, God willing!

Whew... am I tired! We hosted tons of friends for a New Year's Eve party last night and had a wonderful time. Sami tried to keep me off of my feet most of the day, but I had to help him some... I couldn't just sit there and watch. So, by the time midnight rolled around, I was exhausted. I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 8... not nearly enough sleep, so I've spent the day in my pjs on my sofa... nothing wrong with that! :)

I think this pregnancy has robbed all of my brainpower...seriously! I wen to McDonalds yesterday and completely screwed up my order. I knew exactly what I wanted, but that is not what came out of my mouth. The poor lady at the counter just laughed at me. I was just as bad at CVS later in the day. Maybe in 2011 I will make sense again. :)

We packed the boys things up in the nursery this week after getting confirmation that we are having a little girl. I've only bought one dress so far, so I will have to get active with the internet shopping.... yeay! We are doing a Hello Kitty around the world theme for the nursery. I have been painting some pictures of Hello Kitty saying hello in various languages that I hope to hang in the there for decoration. It has not taken that much work to take the room from a boy's den to a girl's. Just gotta start working on the dresses now because little Masarra Ann will be here before we know it. Masarra was Sami's grandmother's name, and means joy, and Ann is my mom's middle name. I'd say we can't wait to meet her, but truly... we can, and I tell her that every day!

We miss you!

2009-12-22T15:06:00.003-06:00

From my niece... such a sweatheart she is!

"An Angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as he closed the book, "too beautiful for earth"This day today, just year ago was the worst for earth, but the best for heavenThis day today, an angel came and called his name, and took him by the handThis day today, heaven celebrates the arrival of the prince, the angel, the precious soul... Solomon Khoury. We miss you angel, keep watching over us we love you !While their room was being prepared in Little Elm, Texas, Solomon and his twin Rafe couldn't wait any longer to get out and explore the world. On November 18th, 2008, they were born. Unusually, no one was happy with this surprising news since the babies were still premature. Rafe's body was unfortunately poisoned and caused him to leave his brother fighting alone...Being born at an early time, Solomon had to undergo a heart surgery to close one of his heart valves that was supposed to close on the 8th month. As being told, the surgery was successfully accomplished. Solomon was getting better day after day; his test results proved the progress he was making. Minor problems kept constantly appearing, but Solomon never gave up...The early morning of December 22nd was a disaster. Our Christmas miracle was turned into the worst nightmare. The baby's intestines were attacked by a deadly disease, the silent killer. His body was too weak for any operation. Solomon waited in his incubator while nothing could be done. Time was passing incredibly fast and Solomon was gone before anyone knew it. Heaven has a new angel now... Solomon pray for us!"

Today is clearly a rough day for us, but we appreciate the love and support of all of our family and friends!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy 13 weeks gestation to our little one!

2009-12-17T06:27:00.002-06:00

Sorry it took so long to do the 13 week update. I've had my buttocks kicked pretty hard by a sinus infection that turned to bronchitis that then left me with "mild asthma" per my lung doc which has taken me down for the count. I finally got put on steroids this week because I worried about the effects of the excessive coughing on my poor baby/cervix. We go for a checkup this afternoon and I pray that all the coughing I've done in the past 2 weeks has not taken its toll already. We shall see.

Yesterday was my birthday... I'm no longer 30... ugh! Great... now I feel old. It was an emotional day for me. I remember wanting to have such a huge party for my 30th... I had it all planned. I was going to have a band and all of my family together. Then I got pregnant with twins and was devastated when the docs said I could not travel. After that, I ended up in the hospital delivering my angels right before my birthday anyway and fighting for my son Solmon's life. I'll never forget though just how wonderful last year's birthday was... despite me not having a party. I got to hold my son on my birthday last year... not knowing that he only had 6 more days to live. We celebrated with him by bringing the birthday party to the NICU. Sami and I picked up birthday cupcakes for all the doctors, nurses and staff and it was the best birthday in my life. Better than turning 16 and getting my license or 21 and having a drink. I got to hold my son.

So how was this year? I had wonderful friends and family wishing me happy birthday throughout the day and a great group went to dinner with us last night. But it hurts. My hubby bought me 2 dozen roses, a spa day and a gift card for maternity clothes, and yet it still hurts. You see, I couldn't hold my son this year. And I miss him and his brother Rafe terribly... just terribly. I cannot help but think of how fun this Christmas would have been if they were still with us. Sami said this week that Christmas died for him decades ago when he lost his father. It died quite a bit for me last year when we lost our boys. We are fighting so hard to try and salvage it this year for our unborn child, but it is hard... there's no other word for it. Sami had me in tears this week when he said he was thankful to me and my family for bringing Christmas back alive for him with our celebrations. I think that is what makes it worse this year too... we cannot travel to NC for the family festivities so we are left alone here in Texas with our memories of an awful ending to 2008. What keeps us going is the prospect of a wonderful holiday season in 2010 with our family and our child. That's a dream we really need to come true...

I have a Cerclage! Sounds so Ooh la la... I know!

2009-12-04T08:51:00.004-06:00

I've been tied up like a turkey!!!!

I am sorry it took me so long to post. To be honest, I did not sleep for 2 days prior to my cerclage because I was terrified... I was convinced it would hurt like hell, or that they would go in and find something wrong with my cervix already... let me tell you, I worried for naught... but I slept like an angel yesterday!

We went to the hospital at 5:30 yesterday morning, and I had my surgery at 7:30. I remember having a detailed discussion with the anaesthesiologist on the way to the OR about Sami's ethnicity. Everyone always thinks he's Russian for some reason. Did I just say, "No, he's Lebanese"? Nope, I went into his whole family history..."He's technically Lebanese, but he's really Palestenian and Syrian, but he was born and raised in Kuwait... blah blah blah blah blah.." What a chatterbox I was!

If you know anyone who's getting a cerclage at 12 weeks, tell them that if they come at you with that stupid doppler wanting to hear the heartbeat before you go down for the cerclage... tell them to go away!!!!!!!!!! I don't know why I let them do that... of course you cannot hear it at less than 12 weeks! And, the last time someone used a doppler on me was when we discovered our missed miscarriage, so I already had a negative connotation with that stupid thing! My OB never uses it on me... he knows better! LOL... The lady that was sent down from L&D was very upset that they'd sent her because she knew we probably would not be able to hear the hb, and it just works you up for nothing.

Thankfully, I felt the baby move on the way to the OR which was very reassuring since I'd just went through the whole doppler nightmare . I started feeling this one about a week or so ago, very faint at first and still rather faint, but I know the difference between that and gas after my last pregnancy.

I came to at 8:30 am and struggled to breathe. That was scary to say the least. Since I've had sinusitis and bronchitis this past week, the doc warned me that I may be doing a lot of coughing after coming to... he didn't exaggerate. After I coughed a lot, I was able to breathe just fine... but it was scary there for a minute.

In recovery, there was all kinds of drama about who was writing orders for me b/c my OB was admitting doc, and MFM was surgeon. OB said give her a sono if she wants it, and I was like, "Hell Yeah! Especially after the whole doppler thing!" Well, MFM was out until 1:30 so he couldn't do the sono but told me I could come back to his office and get one or get an abdominal one at the hospital. We opted to get it at the hospital. The man doing it was HUGE! I swear he used his size and weight to push on me way harder than was necessary. I was happy to see the baby moving around and was like, "OK, take me back now!" but he had to study every inch of my uterus and ovaries. IT hurt! And, that's really the only pain I've had.... soreness from the U/S. I told Sami I can tell someone's been fiddling around down there, but it doesn't really hurt. And it doesn't.

I'm on bed rest for the next week, and then we will play it by ear from there. MFM will take a look at his work next Thursday, and let me know if I can walk around again. But, I know for sure, I will be on bed rest from week 20 on. The only other pain I have is a sore throat from the breathing tube that was used, but that will go away soon. Warm liquids help with that.

Thanks for all of your prayers and well wishes!

Progesterone Shots are History... for a few weeks!

2009-11-27T17:17:00.002-06:00

This week we hit the 11 week mark which is a major milestone as I finally get to quit the daily 5pm intramuscular (read buttox) injections of progesterone that have helped me to keep this pregnancy thus far. My baby's placenta has finally taken over the progesterone production so I get a few weeks off! Once we hit week 16, I will add back in Progesterone shots, but only once a week. Progesterone has been proven to effectively decrease the incidence of pre-term labor for women in subsequent pregnancies so we are adding it to our routine this time.

I thought that I would be completely shot free this week, but alas, my body disagreed. I went to the endocrinologist on Monday and saw my OB in the afternoon. Both were not happy with the trend of my fasting sugars and the sugar readings 2 hours after lunch and dinner. My OB was most concerned about the fasting, so I am now taking 6 units of insulin daily in addition to the metformin which I take to manage my blood sugar. For some reason, my body is more sensitive to carbohydrates with this pregnancy than it was last time. Oh swell... more shots it is...

Monday is the date of our NT scan (first trimester screening). We will be checking out the baby for Down Syndrome as well as other common cromosomal abnormalities. In addition, we will be doing the paperwork for my cerclage which should be the following Monday. We have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks. Keep us in your prayers please!

Only one more week of daily shots!

2009-11-20T08:22:00.003-06:00

That's right, we have made it to week 10, which means I have exactly 7 more progesterone shots to do. That is totally worth celebrating!!! Those shots hurt... and they make your butt itch. Ugh! :( I cannot wait to do the last one next Thursday! That's something to be thankfull for, now isn't it?! :)

This week was rather tough for me as you might expect. It is the one year anniversary of Rafe's death and Solomon's birth. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to work Wednesday too. What was I thinking? I didn't get very much done. The more I got emotional, the more I wanted to hurl. I actually did at breakfast which really got my day off to a great start.

Our high risk OB appointment went great this week. We have our NT scan scheduled for 11/30 and then will have the cerclage on 12/7. Those dates are not that far off. :) I went online this week though and googled the McDonald cerclage which I'll be getting... probably shouldn't have done that... now I'm thinking I'm going to tell the anasthesiologist to just knock me out i/o having an epidural for the procedure... I don't think I want to be conscious when my high risk OB is tying me up like a turkey...

And finally, I want to extend hugs and support to some friends of ours that are going through a very tough time right now. Having a miscarriage is one of the worst things in this world. Given that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, it makes you wonder how any of us were lucky enough to make it, you know? Having suffered 2 miscarriages myself, I always hated it when people would tell me it was meant to be, or something must have been wrong. What a person going through this really wants to hear is that their friends are there for them. Because, even if something was not right, that little embryo was their child, and embodied their hopes for the future, even if just for a very short time. You are both in our thoughts and prayers!

We've made it to 9 weeks!

2009-11-13T07:52:00.003-06:00

One of us almost didn't make it though. Let me describe the situation, and you tell me if I should allow Sami to continue to breathe....

Last night, we went out to dinner with friends at The Cheesecake Factory. Now, I do not get to go out much anymore, as I spend most of my time on the couch, so I am stuck eating whatever is available here at the house. And, my stomach is so small now that anything gives me heartburn and I can hardly eat much at one sitting. But, it is the Cheesecake Factory, you know?!?!?

I ordered my favorite pasta, Thai Chicken Pasta, and barely made a dent in it. I asked the kind server to wrap it to go, because I had to save room for cheesecake - it is the freekin Cheesecake Factory! Of course, I'm gonna get dessert! To start with, Sami was all like, "I'm not gonna get dessert", but then the rest of us did, so he finally ordered a tiramisu.... he has issues alone for not ordering cheesecake, but whatever. Did he finish his dessert, NOOOOOOO. When he saw me stop eating because I didn't want to send myself into a sugar coma, he stopped too, and we both had our desserts boxed up to go.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. He says he waited a whole hour after we got home, but that is impossible, because Gray's anatomy was still on when I heard him make his first comment. He said my cake was "VERY GOOD!". I thought to myself at the time, "he's just fooling around, he doesn't really mean it... he's not THAT crazy!". Boy was I wrong! When I went to get milk later to help combat the heartburn that haunts me 24/7, I noticed both dessert boxes were no longer in the fridge. Yes, you read correctly, he finished off his, and ate mine! Now, you tell me, should I let him continue to breathe? Who eats a pregnant lady's Cheesecake Factory cheesecake? As of this morning, he's still in the doghouse, and I am not sure when I am letting him out!!!!

So, okay, back to my baby now... we've officially made it to 9 weeks now. I'm sooo happy! One more week and maybe I'll breathe a little freer since we lost our first child sometime around week 9 or 10. We have our appointment with the high risk doctor on Tuesday to evaluate things and decide the date for my cerclage surgery. Time's really trucking on by!

This week we had our first OB appointment w/Dr. Reisler. That went pretty well. I asked the doc about a drug that would knock me out until week 26 so that I wouldn't worry so much, and he suggested Zoloft. He knows that I wouldn't take it though. :)

Sami chose to try to rat me out at the appointment too. Seriously, does he not understand that I could get away with anything thanks to all the hormones running around in my body!?!? Dr. Reisler was telling me to stay away from Deli meats and soft cheese, when Sami pipes up with, "She ate deli meat on Saturday!". I said, "It was cooked, Canadian Bacon!" Dr. Reisler then tells me that if it is ham, it is still deli meat and that it had to be warm and cooked. It was piping hot, I tell you. I replied back that Sami's only problem was that I ate ham! Sami then told the Dr that I like to eat Chef Boy R De. So what I ask you! It has a full serving of veggies now, and it is small enough for me to eat yet still feel satisfied. I finally looked Dr. Reisler straight in the eyes and told him that the only time I ever eat anything Sami doesn't approve of is when Sami does not cook for me, so how could it be my fault?! He smiled at that one and told us he's not a marriage counselor...lol :)

The appointment went fabulously though, and my silly husband keeps the office in stitches so they are looking forward to the next several months as they get to see us! Dr Reisler said be prepared for bedrest for sure between weeks 20 and 26, and perhaps earlier and later as well. So, bedrest, here we come!

Eight is Great!

2009-11-06T07:54:00.003-06:00

So I woke up this morning thanking God for allowing us to have made it through another week. We are at week eight today, a step closer to getting away from the fear of miscarriage. I saw a report this week though that says we have a 92% chance of sucess with this pregnancy based upon the heartbeat we saw and heard Monday of 136 beats per minute... those are odds I like! Yet still, I worry... I'm good at it...

I swear I talk to my uterus as if it were a magic 8 ball sometimes. I worry if it is strong enough to support this pregnancy... if the pregnancy itself is viable... if it will stay closed with the help of a cerclage... you get the picture...

I went in to get my swine flu vaccine this week. I was patient #1 on their priority list and rushed in to get my shot as soon as they got their shipment since they only had 20. It was wonderful to see everyone. They were all so excited to see us too. Our OB had a waiting room full of patients, but took time out to come out and hug us. It's such as awesome feeling to know that you have such a wide reaching support team! I told my OB we'd confirmed that I have an incompetent cervix, and he said it would be our #1 priority to get me over to the high risk doctor then as soon as we near the end of the first trimester and get the cerclage(s) in place. Just a few more weeks!

Only 3 more days until I get to see my baby again!

Houston, We have a heartbeat! :)

2009-11-02T17:48:00.004-06:00

What a stressful day! I didn't feel like doing anything at work because I was honestly just counting down the hours until 3:30pm. I told my hubby earlier in the day that we were leaving the house at 2:45, so, what does he decide to do at 2:40? Take a shower... yep... he has noooooooooooooo concept of time management and gets upset when I rush him. To top it all off, we had to get gas on the way to the doctor, so of course, we were 5 minutes late. FIVE MINUTES! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I was highly upset over 5 minutes! It is the principle of the matter!

So, we get there, and have to wait, of course... but when they called us back, our doctor asked us how I was doing. I said "Terrified" and meant it... He asked about the spotting and if I'd had any cramping, which I haven't, thankfully. Mostly, I just feel sore after I spot, and I do not spot that much when it happens. Next, we did the sono, and found one healthy little baby in there measuring right on track. Then came the fun part. They can actually let you hear your baby's heartbeat at 7 weeks... can you imagine?! I cried... Not just from joy, but because hearing that racing heartbeat reminded me of that last week in the hospital last November when we were constantly checking the boys heartbeats and then finally couldn't find Rafe's. I sooooooo hope we get a better outcome this time.

Well, that's it for now. We have to get ready for the Day of the Dead mass tonight which is being said in memory of our boys, Solomon and Rafe. I pray that they are watching over us as we go down this road again.

Lucky SEVEN!

2009-10-30T08:04:00.002-05:00

Yep, we've made it to seven weeks today, and can breathe another small sigh of relief. We have our first ultrasound on Monday, which will hopefully allow me to release all of the breath I have been holding for the past 2 months. I just hope and pray that we get good news!

I spoke with my doctor's office this week, and they have me as patient #1 on their list to get the H1N1 vaccine when they get it in next week. Apparently being asthmatic and having gestational diabetes comes with tons of perks...lol. The office is only getting 20 of the 180 shots they've ordered and lucky me is #1 on the list with my name and phone number written in red. The nice nurse said, "Of course you'll be patient #1 since you have complications..." And then she tried to backtrack and make "complications" not sound so bad... I was like "Honey, I've been through enough at this point to accept that I am full of complications!"

So, for now, we are just counting down the days till Monday. Who knew you could actually want to let the weekend fly by!?! But, we have some exciting things planned to make the time pass quickly. I will be spending the day tomorrow dressed as Octomom with Sami as my RE (fertility doctor). Then Sunday, if Sami's germ phobia allows me to go out, we will be hitting Banning's first birthday party! Yep, it's been a year since our whole ordeal started. Little Banning and his family were one of the first families that we met in the NICU last year. He's such a special little boy and we can't wait ot help him celebrate his milestone! :)

SIX WEEKS! Halfway through the first trimester ...still a ways to go...

2009-10-23T08:11:00.005-05:00

A roll of the dice... that's exactly how it feels. I get lectures all the time from loved ones about how I should be optimistic (or as Sami says, septimistic, because to him that is the opposite of pessimistic). I try, really I do. I just wanted a pregnancy devoid of complications (other than knowing that I would need a cerclage as soon as I made it through the first trimester). But, alas, that was not to be.

I started spotting last Saturday. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Honestly, last pregnancy, after I began to bleed almost daily, I did grow quite used to it. But this time, I was TRYING to be septimistic (that's for you Sami)!

I have also read some info online that says that my spotting could be coming from my irritated or incompetent cervix. Go figure... perhaps I am just meant to spot... at least it is not painful like the miscarriage I had last time at 6 weeks and 2 days. So there you have it, I am 6 weeks today, and praying to get through the weekend. I feel like that will be our first milestone...

Happy Friday Everyone! We are 5 weeks today!

2009-10-16T16:37:00.003-05:00

I know it's still early, but after everything we've been through, I plan to celebrate every milestone we hit with this pregnancy. I've spent the week taking it easy. I've been sitting or lying on the couch for most of the week and look forward to continuing that habit for a while to come.

I was fortunate enough to have friends come over yesterday to check in on me. That was a very nice treat. You realize quickly when you are not as mobile as you used to be that you miss the human interaction. Poor Sami... he's had his routine overturned too... he actually asked me this week if I was going back to work soon so that he could have the house back during the day. Poor guy! He's been studying hard for his math test tomorrow... I so hope he passes!

I've had quite a bit of morning sickness this week, but fortunatley, I've been fortunate enough to not actually get sick yet. It gets bad mid morning usually and then in the evening. At least it is a reminder though that I'm still pregnant. I actually start to obsess when I miss a morning. Yep... that's what it is like when you've wanted a child for so long and experienced so many losses... you start to second guess every symptom or lack thereof...

We have our last RE appointment on 10/2 where we will hopefully get to see a heartbeat, and then it is on to my OB on 10/9 for our first appointment there. He will see me weekly with my peri (high risk doc) seeing me every 3 weeks. My OB's office was so excited to hear that we are pregnant again. I think I spoke to almost everyone there and you could hear it in their voices. It makes me so glad that I chose their office. After our first OB experience... look back to 2008 for my "Britney Spears" experience and I think it'll be self-explanatory, I really looked hard to pick the right doctor for me. We've gotten better service than anyone could expect and they treat us like family.

So here's hoping for another peaceful, uneventful week. 5 down, at least 27 more to go! :)

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

It's official!

2009-10-14T17:01:00.004-05:00

We are out of beta hell and into the wonderful world of pregnancy! Our latest beta went from 45 to 105 and we have our first sono scheduled for November 2nd. I offered to come in the Friday before (October 30th) and wear my Halloween costume, but unfortunatley, they are closed that day. Sami is going as my fertility doctor this year, and I am going as Octomom! Hey, we couldn't pass up on the irony. :)

So, for now, it's no more worrying about betas, and on to worrying about how many more days have to pass until I get to see my baby(s). We did get a first appointment scheduled for November 9th with our OB too. The office was super excited for us!

I notified my boss, who asked if I'd work as much as possible (from home, of course). I am thrilled to do that because it takes my mind off all of the what-ifs. No no no... I do not need to much time alone to think!

Finally, I would like to ask you all to light candles in memory of our boys, Solomon and Rafe and those we never got to meet, and for anyone else who's lost a child tomorrow.

In October1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" is October 15th.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, their isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Back in Beta Hell!

2009-10-13T18:15:00.002-05:00

With our first pregnancy via IVF (which unfortunately we lost at 10 weeks, discovered at week 15), I first paid a visit to Beta Hell. It's a place you never wanna visit, but apparently I got a multi-visit pass. Our first beta with that pregnancy was 12. You typically need a 25 to be considered pregnant, but most docs want to see a 100 or higher... kinda like a test score I suppose. :) Anyway... this go round we scored a 25... pregnant, but on the low end and more prone to having a chemical pregnancy (embryo doesn't develop). When you enter beta hell, they bring you back every 48 hours to see if you beta is increasing by at least 60% (they prefer 100%). Luckily, ours has gone from 25 to 45. We have one more test tomorrow monring and then hopefully we'll get the all clear until the sonogram... hopefully sometime around Halloween.

It's at the sono that we get to see how many implanted. With a beta that low (25) you'd think that we only have 1, but given that I've had a beta of 12 with one before, I wouldn't put it past both of those embryo's having implanted. :) I went for a body talk session today and my therapist told me she's picking up on both (take it for what its worth) but that one is having some circulation issues. Now, if it is true, that would explain why my beta didn't quite double. Supposedly, she did some work on me which should help resolve that issue. She's also picking up on me having a boy and girl in there this go round... time will tell.

For now, I've stepped away from those nasty home pregnancy tests, and am leaving it all in God's hands.

I am officially crazzzzzy!

2009-10-09T09:45:00.003-05:00

Help! I've lost my mind....those stupid sticks have taken over my life. We have sooooo much riding on this round of treatment, so of course, this would be the treatment cycle that gives me mixed results on the home pregnancy tests. For example:

7 days post 6 day transfer - I tested with the cheap dollar store tests and got faint positives...
8 days post 6 day transfer - I tested using the expensive digital tests and got a negative....proceeded to have a mental breakdown...
9 days post 6 day transfer - I tested again with the expensive digital test and got an error message....went out and bought CVS tests (non-digital) and got a positive immediately.

So, will I stop taking the tests? No way! Once a crazy, always a crazy! I am just sooooooo ready for tomorrow so that we can put an end to this madness for a few days. Of course, there's always something else to obsess about. You make it through the beta and get a positive, but then, is it high enough? Is it doubling like it should? Then, once it doubles, you get to wait a few weeks to see the heartbeat.... yep, you heard me, a few weeks... imagine how off the charts crazy I'll be by then. After we see the heartbeat, I am released to my OB and then it's on to worrying about making it to week 12 so that I can get my cervix stitched closed....and then, it's time to obsess over my cervical length and making it to week 28 at least... then you get to week 28 and you obsess over making it to week 32 if my uterus can handle it (I had an emergency c-section last time so there is the risk of rupture)...then assuming we make it through all of that and a healthy child is born, the real worry begins, right? :)

Maybe they should just make a potion that will let me sleep through the next 8 months and wake up in the delivery room. You know, I don't think I'd take it. I've fought so hard to get this experience and now I'm going to just sit back and enjoy my craziness...

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Dear Lord....grant me the strength to make it through this 2ww!

2009-10-05T08:36:00.002-05:00

I'm hanging in there... trying to keep the negative thoughts away. I've been so blessed to have 2 IVFs work, that I sometimes worry if it's not my turn to get a BFN.... that's my negative thought essentially... now that I've said it out loud (well typed it at least), I insist that it run far far away! :) I have our nursery pretty much finished. I changed a few things up this weekend from how I had them with my last pregnancy. I figured it was time for a new look for a fresh start. Now I just need one or both of my sweet little embies to decide to take root and stay for a while.

If you have never had to go through the agony of a 2ww, you are probably wondering what the big deal is. It's simple.... you know you have what could become a baby inside of you, but you are on so many medications that you have no way of knowing if the twinges, pulls, and other "feelings" are that baby deciding to take root, or just your imagination. It's the worst kind of torture for a woman who's wanted a baby for so long...

I'm at that horrible in between point right now. It's been enough days that I can start to think about POASing, but it's really too early for anything to show up....so I just spend my time trying to get these negative thoughts out instead.

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Ugh... let the night sweats begin!

2009-10-04T13:27:00.003-05:00

My poor poor hubby! Every time I go through IVF and I make it past the ET, he gets stuck needing to sleep in flannel pajamas because his wife sweats like a pig even when it's 60 degrees in the house! Last night was our first such night with this round of treatment. It's fall weather here in Little Elm... it's frickin gorgeous! I went to bed last night feeling cold but with the window up because it felt sooo good. I also had the ceiling fan on. It didn't matter.... I awoke in a pool of sweat at midnight. And again at 3 am... and then 5 am.... and then 7... you get the picture. The midnight episode was the worst. I had to throw my body pillow off the bed because it felt like it had been dunked in a pool. UGH! If my last two pregnancies were any indication, it's not going to get any better... I read today that taking cold showers before bed can help... I think I'll try that tonight because I am just the desperate!

I've been visiting all my message boards for fertility today and have determined that Tuesday morning is the earliest I could possible get a + on a HPT. I was out at the DollarTree today and picked up a few more tests just in case. I start to go a little crazy with the POASing when it's time to potentially see a positive. I really feel like it's worked this time. I've had the tell tell pains in my sides, ever so mild cramping, and the blood sugar spike that usually accompanies my earliest stage of pregnancy. Either I'm pregnant, or my mind's playing tricks on me. Either way, it's too soon to tell. So, for now, I'm just twiddling my thumbs till POAS Tuesday! :)

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Two days down... 8 more to go!

2009-10-02T12:05:00.002-05:00

So, I have 8 more days until my first beta. Things are going pretty well so far. I spent the first 2 days mostly in bed, and today I've gotten up a little more. Still light duty though... no worries. My hubby's been doing a wonderful job of taking care of me! I couldn't ask for anyone to dote on me any more than he does.

I told him yesterday that I thought one of our blastocysts (potential babies) looks an awful lot like a rooster. I took this as a good sign. You'd have thought I had told my husband I didn't belive in God. He was offended that I could even think to compare our child to a rooster. Duh, it's his Chinese sign, so I told him it was a GOOD THING! Today, he came around, in a big way.

He was getting ready for class and came over to kiss me good-bye. He saw me looking at the picture again and proceeded to give me a picture frame to put them in. Little did he realize that the picture frame was one I got from work recently and was a gift from VISA. I found it extremely ironic that my babies are now "smiling" at me from a picture frame with "VISA" plastered across the front. Afterall, my Visa card is still smoking from all the money it's delivered to my RE. I think I've put all of his kids through college and bought him a retirement home. :) So, now, my babies have a corporate sponsor.

I felt a few twinges in my uterus yesterday. It may have been implantation, or perhaps it was just a few left over cramps from the procedure... I guess we'll know if 8 days!

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

We are PUPO!

2009-09-30T18:19:00.002-05:00

Yeay! I cannot believe the day has finally arrived! I am PUPO after having transferred 2 beautiful embryos this afternoon. One was already starting to hatch which was a very good sign. I'll be spending lots of time in bed for the next 2 days, and then it's light light duty until a blood test next Saturday morning! We were given yet another warning today that my cervix is definitely incompetent, so I'm prepared for many months of doing nothing basically, but working to keep my baby(s) inside and give them a chance to grow as much as they can. At least laying in bed is better than laying upside down like last time! :)

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

I can't wait to be PUPO!

2009-09-26T17:00:00.004-05:00

So... this Wednesday, Sami and I are finally going to get knocked up. Light the candles and buy some wine! Oh wait, you mean that's not how they we do it? My bad... Looks like it'll be lots of relaxation, no perfumes or lotions to scare the embryos away, and lots of time sitting on the couch watching TV... yippeee! Let the 2ww (2 week wait) begin! Two of our embryos will be thawed next Wednesday morning and Wednesday afternoon, my uterus will welcome them home. My lining measured 7.7 on day 14 which is awesome since I've barely been able to make it to 7 by day 14 in previous cycles.

Basically, come Wednesday, I'll be considered PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. That's the time where for 2 whole weeks, I get to obsess over ever little twinge and possible pregnancy symptom despite the fact that 99.99% of them are due to the progesterone shots that I have to take daily. It's a blast! Right... you believe me don't you?! :)

Yesterday was my first intra-muscular (read buttox or thigh) injection of progesterone in quite a while. I guess I'll be on them for quite a while... hopefully anyway. I'll take them through the first trimester and then begin weekly shots of progesterone of a different kind (p17) that is supposed to help stave off preterm labor. Earlier this year, we didn't know if I went into labor so early because of an icompetent cervix or due to preterm labor, but now we know with a little more certainty that my cervix is out of whack and the likely culprit as I mentioned in previous posts. So, my hubby's informed me that I will be treated like a princess this go round and should not worry about a thing. If only life were that simple.

I just wanted to take a moment as I wrap up today's post, to say how thankful I am for all of the new friends that God has sent my way this year. I was talking to Wendy last night at the snack counter at the movies and I told her even though we had to suffer a lot in the past few years, I feel like God has truly shown me a wonderful group of people that I never would have otherwise come across. I appreciate all of you and you give me hope that this go round will be different as well as the strength to get back on this rollercoaster ride again. THANK YOU ALL and I love ya!

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Happy Thursday everyone!

2009-09-24T08:57:00.002-05:00

I am off to teach a seminar shortly on international trade. It's being simulcast across a few different cities, so that should be exciting...at least it makes the time go by faster until I can get to the doc tomorrow and find out if all the injections I've been doing have been paying off.

I spent an hour and half this week on the table at my acupuncturists "working on my lining". I feel a little like Frankenstein with all those needles in me... not to mention the electric current she puts in my stomach and back. I think I could jump start a car now... anyone need assistance in that department? LOL

I am a firm believer in mind over matter, so I've been doing guided imagery as well to help me along the journey. If nothing else, it's very relaxing, and let's face it, I need all the relaxation I can get right now. A friend of mine mentioned this past weekend that I seemed sad... I guess that's not the right word for how I feel. I just have the blah's from the emotional roller coaster that all of these meds have put me on. And, every time I turn around, I'm paying another doctor which can bring even the most chipper person down. OK Obama, you hear me? I'm doing my part to stimulate the economy... I'm sending kids to college and helping docs afford new cars and vacations with their wives. :)

Did y'all see the case this week of the couple that got the wrong embryo implanted? I thought about that once during our IVFs, when a friend of mine and his wife were going through treatment at the same time and place that we were. Thankfully, we got our own embryos even if the nurse made a mistake and brought my friend back to see me instead of his wife after the egg retrieval...lol... you should have seen the looks on our faces... he was like "that's not my wife" and I was all "what the heck are you doing here? Am I at work?" LOL... at least I could blame the after effects of the anasthesia for anything I said. :) Seriously though, it took a lot of strength for that couple to continue with their pregnancy... although, having been on this ttc journey for a while, I can totally get that this was, to them, the only viable option. That's like when our OB mentioned genetic testing last year with the boys early on in the pregnancy. He assumed that it was because of Sami's faith (he's Catholic) that we refused it, but the truth is that after fighting that hard to have a baby, we could not fathom the idea of "selective reduction" if something had come up on one of the tests. Even after everything we've been through in the past 3 years, we are firm believers that God only gives us what we can handle... I just wish, as they say, that he would sometimes not have as much faith in my ability to handle things...

Until tomorrow!

Sticky dust and baby vibes to all!

Rainy Mondays SUCK!

2009-09-14T17:32:00.002-05:00

Ugh! Will this day ever end? I got to work at the crack of dawn for a meeting that I could have just have easily missed. That led to a series of conference calls that went on waaaaaaay too long. I hear my bed calling me now... but, alas, I have a transaction I am still waiting on at work, so I will be here a little while longer... go figure... it's Monday... and still raining...

To make matters worse, I decided this weekend to go ahead and eat like I am pregnant, so I have had no caffeine since Friday night. Hmmm, let's see... caffeine withdrawal, lupron shots and estrogen injections, oh my! When you read in the paper that I've gone off on a crime spree, you will know why!

Speaking of which, I saw my life flash in front of my eyes last night! I had the uber smart idea to sneak up on him while he was doing laundry last night... All the lights were out in the house except for in the utility room. He finished playing with the laundry... and yes I call it playing.. you should watch his laundry process and you'd agree... and when he came out I lunged at him and screamed...Not a good idea in hindsight! He tried to take a swing at his attacker and thankfully realised it was me before he landed his punch. I laughed soooooooo hard though!

He tried to get me back later on by trying to sneak out of the bedroom and crawl around the couches and surprise me. I busted him though before he had a chance. We got a good laugh out of it.

I got my appointment scheduled with the fertility doc today. I'll be back to see him next Friday, 9/25 and we will hopefully get the go-ahead then for a transfer on 10/1. Keep those fingers crossed please!

Thankfully, I will be back at my acupuncturist's office tomorrow for some help with my nausea, headaches and yes, of course, the all important lining. I do hope we win the lining lotto and register an 8 or higher next week. :)

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

What a rainnnnnny day!

2009-09-12T19:13:00.003-05:00

The weather is glum and so am I... my head is killing me... only 2 days after acupuncture too... no wonder my acupuncture doctor said I would need more visits this cycle... ugh! At least I only have another week on the nasty Lupron! Then hopefully the headaches will be gone... I hope at least. :)

I must give a shout out to my Big Brother! He and his wife welcomed a beautiful little boy into the world yesterday. Chase will make a wonderful addition to their family and give Braydon a cool new brother to play with. :)

Sami and I went out for dinner last night to try and blow off some steam before his big math test today... We kept wondering why no one was at the cool new restaurant we had decided to try... welll duh! We just happened to pick an Afghan restaurant on 9/11? What were we thinking? Thanks Elise for pointing the obvious out to me today... I definitely did not even think that through last night.

I know now too why I have never written a book. Every time I sit down at this computer to write a blog entry, Sami gets pulled in by watching my fingers move across the keyboard and tries to grab the hand closest to him to play with... maybe I should worry about him... he's so easily distracted by moving objects. Or, better yet, perhaps I should google hypnosis and learn how to hypnotize him. LOL

I am headed to NC this week to visit a client AND see my newphews. I can't wait. It will make the time pass faster until we get to go back in to the doc and see how the ol' lining's growing this month. Come on....8+!

Good evening everyone!

2009-09-08T20:27:00.002-05:00

Well, I've started the Lupron shots... let the fun begin. I'm holding water like a camel, breaking out like a teenager, and going from tears to anger at the drop of a hat. I forgot how much fun medicated cycles can be!!!!! I've got 4 days under my belt now, so only another week or so to go until I get to add in the Estrogen...and then the real party starts... perhaps I should just go ahead to Sams and get two jumbo packs of Puffs...with lotion of course. :)

My biopsy went very well on Friday. My mom and dad made the trip from NC. It worked out great because Sami had class Friday morning when I was scheduled for the procedure. My fertility doc was very surprised to walk into the exam room and 1... not see Sami, and 2... see my mother who he met for the first time. He was soooo cute. He tried to ask my mom to leave because he was scared she would faint. I told him he should not worry about that in the least. After all, my mom's been a nurse for 33 years and jumped right in and helped my OB pack me last year when they finally found my infection at the c-section site. Once he learned she was a nurse, we got right down to business. The biopsy lasted longer than I expected. He biopsied 3 spots instead of the 1 that I was expecting. I tended to hold my breath more out of anticipation that anything. It was slightly painful, more uncomfortable than anything. I'd compare it to a series of severe menstrual cramps....bearable but unpleasant.

Now I get to do Lupron for a few days and then start the Estrogen IM injections... more fun. Right now we are looking at a transfer around the last week of September/first week of October. I can't wait. I'm already planning a craft party during the dreaded 2 week wait to get my mind off of pregnancy tests. :) If you are reading this and live in the Metroplex, you should be getting your invite soon. I love making crafts and goody bags for the kids in the hospital and the NICU families.

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

You have to take charge of your own life (and medical history)!

2009-09-01T17:36:00.006-05:00

Well ladies (I'm assuming not too many gentlemen are finding their way to my blog and deciding to stay...), I had further confirmation on Friday that I, and I alone, are responsible for my own medical journey. I showed up for my sono last Friday to see if I had ovulated, and my RE's office was having me sign paperwork for a uterine biopsy. Now the last time that I saw my RE (short for fertility doctor) he said that we'd do a biopsy 7-8 days after I ovulated. His words were, "no worries, we are not in a hurry", which was easy for him to say, because he was not trying to schedule work around fertility treatments. :) Imagine my surprise then when I walked in last Friday to see them fully setup for the biopsy. I'm SOOOOOO glad I raised the issue (after taking the prescribed pain pills and antibiotic on an empty stomach) with my RE when he came in, and boy was I glad... I wasn't supposed to do the biopsy until THIS Friday. My RE was quite upset with the staff that had written numbers in the wrong spot in my chart. Oh, what a costly mistake that could have been! I'm so glad I've decided to take charge of my medical journey! But, alas, I am destined for a biopsy this Friday...

I've never had a uterine biopsy, and I'm not really looking forward to it. I've done my research as usual, and kind of wish I hadn't. I have found accounts from women that have had the procedure and compared it to having a toe cut off without anesthesia and accounts from women saying it was only mildly painful. I'm praying that I'll fall into the mildly painful category... similar to my experience with they hysteroscopy. Hopefully 2 ibuprofen and an antibiotic will be all I need to take on the biopsy...

I spent the weekend in NC for my cousin's wedding. It was quite beautiful, and I enjoyed helping out with the reception. What I wasn't really prepared for though, were the numerous questions about whether or not Sami and I had kids yet, and if the 4 day old cousin of mine making his first family gathering appearance at the wedding was mine. I get this question quite a lot lately though... the "do you have kids yet" remark...I guess I'm just getting to that age when people just assume we've got kids already. And then there are the kind hearted people at work that are so anxious to check in and see how life is treating we with twin boys, since the last time we happened to talk, I was pregnant with twins... Oh, I am getting really good at handling these inquiries, let me tell you! I feel sorry for the people doing the asking, because I know they have no way of knowing, and as soon as I answer, they are going to feel bad... but really, what are my options? I could be brief I guess, and just say know, but I feel like I owe it to give the honest answer that we've got kids, but that they are no longer living...I do ok in the moment I'm answering, but it seems to bring me down for a bit afterwards. It does get easier with time.
A former manager told me after the boys' passing that I would start to eventually have more good days than bad, and that this is what I should strive for, because it never really "gets better". He is soooo right... I do find myself having more good days, but then, out of the blue, the sadness will hit... that's what I hate the most. My naivete is gone, and I'll never be able to get it back. But that doesn't mean we can't have hope. What's the point if you can't have hope???

STICKY VIBES AND BABY DUST TO ALL!

Who knew a pelvic exam could make a woman so happy?!

2009-08-19T18:25:00.003-05:00

WARNING... guys... feel free to stop reading here if you like, because I'm going to discuss the disposition of my cervix...lol

Okay... you have been warned...

Everything went great today. We got two answers instead of the one that we were looking for. Not only were we blessed to find out that I do not have scar tissue even after all the issues we went through with infection with the boys last year, I finally found out definitively that I have an incompetent cervix. As my doc put it, most women have a circular cervix, and I have a smiley face one. Well, of course, I have a happy body! :) It's just a little incompetent, that's all. ;)

Now we are on track to get pregnant again around the end of September, early October. I have a few more tests to go in for, including a uterine biopsy, which the doc thinks will actually help with my lining... go figure. I guess it's kind of like hair; if you are trying to grow it out, sometimes trimming it helps. lol

Sami said our doc was pmsing today. Yes, he says guys have it too. We went round and round on the whole lupron debate. Dr Le insisted I was the one that wanted to use it, and I insisted that I deferred to Dr Le as he is the specialist. In the end, Dr Le said he thinks it will be helpful. Go figure... then why the heck was he wasting his breath convincing me it was all my idea and he was just doing what I wanted??? Maybe dealing with women all day has finally gotten to him. :)

On top of everything, I showed up at the office today and was greated by a bill for $720 from last cycle plus $200 for today's visit. I asked if they could bill my insurance for this visit, and billing insisted it wouldn't be approved. I called my insurance, and they sided with billing. Then, after the exam, my doc walks out and tells billing to bill insurance because this was an exam related to recurrent pregnancy loss... how come he knows the magic words and I dont? Now, after I'd paid $200, I find out I only owed $30... Oh well... I am running a tab anyway with the $720 I owed from last cycle... it'll all be worth it in the end.

I read a study this week that says the average American family spends $230K or so raising a child through the age of 18. At this rate, we'll be there before by the time our child hits kindergarten! But... as I keep reminding myself... it will all be worth it in the end.

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Just a few more hours until we have some news!

2009-08-18T20:27:00.002-05:00

3pm tomorrow... that's when we should know more about where we stand. I spent the afternoon researching causes of thin uterine linings and trying to see what else I can do to help... come on uterus, I'm already giving you yoga, massage, acupuncture, BodyTalk and lots and lots of estrogen. Next we'll add Lupron and possibly Viagra... yes, you read correctly, VIAGRA. That should be fun. :)

I've had crazy headaches today. I'm not sure why, I've slipped off the wagon when it comes to not drinking caffeine, so I really don't understand why I'm having these visitors. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me I need to make an appointment for some acupuncture. I've heard the feeling you get after acupuncture compared to the feeling people get from smoking pot... if that's the case, I totally understand why so many people get hooked on pot.

I can't wait to get good news tomorrow so that I can start planning my bed rest parties. Yep, I've decided that being on bed rest during my next pregnancy is no reason not to socialize, so I'll be hosting movie parties from my wonderfully comfortable sofa. Feel free to send me your recommendations to help me pass the time!

Have a wonderful night!

Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!

Two more days to go until the hysteroscopy!

2009-08-17T18:45:00.000-05:00

Sooo... I've survived another day in my wait for the hysteroscopy this Wednesday afternoon. The good thing is that work has kept me busy enough today to take my mind off of the race to have a baby that otherwise occupies every waking minute of my day. I swore I'd never let it get this bad, but that's one thing about being on the ttc (trying to conceive) bandwagon... you can't seem to control the process... it controls you if you are not very careful.

Last month when we tried our FET, we had to cancel the cycle because my lining was too thin. My doc wants it to be at least 8 mm thick, and I had a high reading of 7.5 this time before it started to decline.... decline... decline... I'm still not quite sure how that happened. My estrogen numbers were through the rough; just ask my dear hubbie. He had to put up with the tears that seemed to sprout at every minute of the day. So, after 27 days of estrogen, my cycle was cancelled and we decided to do a hysteroscopy to be sure that nothing unexpected is going on down there in Uterusland... that's right, Uterusland... it's a national park now after all the folks I've had taking a look down there. :)

I've been doing acupuncture this go round as well. I started acupuncture for 3rd attempt with IVF as well; even though before doing IVF, I never put much stock in non-Western medicine. Boy was I wrong. I immediately saw benefits from doing acupuncture after my missed miscarriage back in January of 2008. Following that sad event, I was stressed (to put it mildly) and rather depressed. The acupuncture helped me to return to sanity and get a better control of my emotions. It also did wonders with helping me get rid of Lupron headaches and horrible nausea from the high amounts of estrogen in my system. And, low and behold, I got pregnant with triplets the last go round with IVF. So, you can believe I've been back to the acupuncture doctor's office again for our FETs.

This go round, I've taken alternative medicine to a new level. While on the message boards at fertilethoughts.com, I came across a woman who mentioned that she was pursuing BodyTalk to help with the side effects of the medication that she was on for her FET cycle. I immediately started doing research to figure out what the heck BodyTalk was. I soon learned, you stay completely clothed, it's non-invasive and that the practitioner "talks" to your body to see what's not working correctly. I figured if it is non-invasive, it can't do any harm, so... why not? If you had asked me 10 years ago if I'd be giving myself shots, doing acupuncture and now BodyTalk, I'd have told you that you were crazy... oh, yeah... and add to that the Guided Imagery for fertility and fertility Yoga that I'm doing and I'd guess you can say I'm completely on the "holistic medicine" bandwagon. I'll tell you about my BodyTalk experience in more detail another day... but trust me... so far it's been pretty good. :)

I wish you all a wonderful evening!

Sticky Vibes and Baby Dust to all!

A little history...and how we've survived thus far...

2009-08-16T17:38:00.000-05:00

It was the best of times… it was the worst of times… I never really understood that expression until this past year. My husband and I have been struggling to start a family over the past 10 years and for the past 3 have been on the IVF rollercoaster. In November of 2007, after our second round of IVF, we were delighted to learn that we were pregnant and were devastated to learn in January 2008 that I had experienced a “missed miscarriage”… I proceeded to have a D&C and then hemorrhaged a week following the procedure landing myself back in the hospital. This was right around the time that Britney Spears had her famous ride to the hospital in her black nightgown for her psychiatric evaluation. Girl... Britney had nothing on me. I awoke in a pool of blood and then passed out on the way to the shower. When I came to my hubby had the cell phone dialing 911 and all I could think of was that I needed my nightgown on before the paramedics got there...and sure enough, it was a black one. I gave all (apparently it took about 12 of Little Elm's finest to respond at 2 am) a laugh when I announced that their flashing lights were actually the papparazzi trying to take my pic as I was being wheeled out on a stretcher. That's another thing I've learned... Humour is a to survive trying to conceive!

I was devastated by our loss and went into a deep depression for several months. The funny thing was, I didn’t realize I had been depressed until I was coming out of it. We decided to try again in June of 2008 and I began doing acupuncture and guided imagery to calm my nerves as we took another ride on the rollercoaster. My body must have been pretty calm and receptive. We were thrilled to learn that we were pregnant in July and our beta numbers (something any woman doing IUI or IVF tracks like lottery numbers) were off the charts. We couldn’t wait to see how many we were having…but alas, we’d have to wait until week 7 to see how many when we went in for our ultrasounds to see the heartbeats…

Sure enough… at week 6.5… my body began to hemorrhage yet again. I immediately told my husband we’d never do this again… I couldn’t take it… The thing is… you never know how much you can handle until after you are through the storm. We went in for a sono the next morning, on a Saturday, and were delighted to learn that I was still pregnant… with twins! We’d lost one (yes, I’d been pregnant with 3) but twins! We’d hit the lottery!

I did everything right… I had a clot from the loss of the first child, so I stayed in bed a lot. I restricted my travel for work, and rarely went into the office. My husband proceeded to spoil me…still does… and I stayed off my feet as much as possible. We got bi-weekly sonos just to “reassure” us, and were told that they’d start watching my cervix at week 16. We did, and didn’t notice anything major until week 22. My cervix went from 4.6cm in length to 3…still nothing major… but the docs advised me to take it easy and stay in bed as much as possible.

Six days later I went out with my husband for a short trip, at least we thought. That was the last time I saw my house for a month! My back was hurting, which I thought was normal since I was now getting bigger, but when it got better once I started walking, I knew something was off. We went to the hospital and found out I was 4 cm dilated… I could tell by the look on my doctor’s face that he didn’t think we’d be able to do anything to stop the labor.

My doc promised he was going home and would see me in the morning… yet I kept seeing him in my room every 10 minutes…the contractions finally stopped a few hours later and I started living on borrowed time…

Rafe’s water broke the next evening, but he hung on for another week. The day Rafe passed, his brother Solomon’s water broke and I had to have a C-section to try to save him… but it was too early, and we knew it… who lives after 23 weeks and 6 days gestation??? We discussed comfort care with Dr. Santiago, and decided only to do something if it looked like Solomon was trying to fight. There’s a very very fine line between trying to help and support your child and torture, and we didn’t want to torture our son…Solomon came out crying… it was a wonderful sound… like a baby cat… I’ll never forget it…He fought intubation and proceed to have a nice honeymoon in the NICU… but Sami and I knew we were facing tough odds…he had a 5-20% chance of survival…and odds were he’d have major disabilities.

Solomon proved to be a fighter… there were many conversations with the doctors where they told us he wasn’t going to make it, but Solomon kept proving them wrong. Finally, on Dec 21st, he got switched to the big boy breathing tube as he’d made it to close to 3 lbs, and the doctor told us he’d be on a CPAP in a week and home by Valentine’s Day. He passed away around 6 am the next morning from Nectrotizing Intercolitis, or NEC, the silent killer of micro-preemies. When we came in and saw the docs and nurses working on him, we knew it wasn’t good, but they gave us 50/50 odds… I think they only did that because he had proven them wrong so many times before.

How do you lose two babies in a month (4 in a year) and survive? I wasn’t sure we would, but have…so far. What has worked for us? Here’s our short list:

1. We went to counseling… I was told by male co-workers who had had this happen to them that you think you don’t need it, but you do.
2. We started focusing on something besides having babies… we are looking into starting a business in 2010 if the economy helps us out, and naming it after our son Solomon.
3. We spent a lot of time together just being honest about how we felt.
4. We took meds, but only to get us over the hump. We both realized that there had come a time when we needed to get through this on our own… without medication.
5. We visit the boys’ grave (Rafe was cremated so they are buried together) and cry, laugh or scream… sometimes you need to do a combination.
6. We spend time apart… sounds like a contradiction to #3, I know, but after a month of togetherness, we spent a month apart as Sami went home to see his family in Lebanon. I missed him, but it was healthy for us.
7. We decided to take a break before trying again. My fertility doctor told me I could try again last May, but we are shooting for a September/October time frame.
8. I took time to work on myself. I looked into everything that happened and tried to pinpoint what I could do differently next time to avoid a repeat occurrence. We’ll do surgery, bed rest, shots, you name it. I’ve started a lifestyle change and have dropped over 35 lbs so far. Being overweight puts you at a higher risk for preterm labor, and if there is something within my control that I can do, I am giving it my all.
9. We had to make some tough decisions. It’s hard after suffering a loss, but our friends have pulled us out and made us do things… You find out who your real friends are after something like this and have to be strong enough to drop the relationships that just cause you pain.
10. We’ve allowed ourselves to have fun again. Laughter really is the best medicine.

My friend from China assures me that this year will be better. She said last year was the year of the rat… no good in her words… but this year is the year of the Ox, who is strong and dependable, so things will be better…I sure hope so.

Our first attempt at a Frozen Embryo Transfer (we have 3 on ice) was put on hold last month, due to concerns about my uterine lining not being high enough... I go in this Wednesday for a hystosonogram to check out what's going on in there. I am hoping we find zero scar tissue, but after the infection that occured with my boys' births last year, scar tissue is a definite possiblity. So... I'm just biding my time until Wednesday until I can find out what's going on in there...

How can so much go so wrong so fast?

2008-12-23T06:13:00.000-06:00

Let me begin by appologizing for the abrupt way that many of you found out about our sweet baby's passing. It hit us like a ton of bricks! Everything was fine when we left him on Sunday evening...as you can tell from reading our update that night. Around midnight, things began to go crazy...
We keep our phones by the bed and on the loudest possible ring so that we would hear that dreaded phone call if it ever came in from the hospital. I'd heard stories of parent's who'd received it and prayed that we would never be that unlucky...Oh...how wrong was I?!
Around midnight, Solomon's breathing unexpectedly took a turn for the worse. His doctors had no idea why and put the first call in to Sami and I. Unfortunately, too much pumping (for Solomon's food) and too much running ourselves ragged had caught up with us...Sami and I didn't hear the phone ring as we were both passed out asleep. We finally heard the phone the second time they called though, around 5:37 am, and I called right back. Doctor Green, yes the one who nicknamed him Scrappy, told us to come in right away, that Solomon had gotten very sick, and that he thought it might be a perforated bowel, but he really didn't know.
We were at the NICU by 5 till 6, and walked in to a horrifying sight. The doctor's eyes were already bloodshot as were many others. He had nurses, therapists and secretaries running around trying to save him. His belly was huge and blue. I looked at the doctor and he said it was very bad, but gave us 50 50 odds. I knew right away that Solomon had NEC, the silent killer, and that surgery was needed. The surgeon, the same one who did his PDA surgery, came back in and explained the exploratory surgery to us. He told us it would take an hour and that if there was any bowel left alive, he would be able to save our baby hopefully.
Alas, that was not to be. Solomon's bowels had quickly gone from perfect to liquid. There was nothing left...how could that be? He was perfect when we left him...It feels like a sick joke, but that's just the cards we are being delt lately. It feels as though someone has a huge hex on us... and dear Lord, I wish I knew how to make it go away. The sting of events we've been hit with lately is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, if I had one...How can everything be so perfect one minute and horrible the next?
Solomon and Rafe will be burried together on Friday, December 26th at 10:30 am in Frisco, TX at Ridgeview West Memorial Park off of the Tollway and Eldorado Parkway. The website is: http://www.turrentinejacksonmorrow.com/locations.php.
We will have a small viewing at 9:30 am at the funeral home itself on the corner of Main and Preston in Frisco - right across from the Frisco fire station.
In lieu of flowers, we ask that you please make a donation in our sons' memories to The March of Dimes, so that hopefully, one day, no parent will have to lose a son or daughter to NEC or any of the other horrible diseases of prematurity...

Heaven Has A New Angel!

2008-12-22T10:26:00.000-06:00

This is Dana Southerland - Tracy's sister-in-law. She asked me to update everyone for her. Solomon went to be with Jesus today. Heaven has a wonderful new angel and he, with his brother, will be watching over Sami, Tracy, and everyone else. Please continue to pray for them and send your love! I am sure she will be in contact with everyone as she can - when she can. Thank you for your continued support and prayer. They need it now more than ever!

No more naked baby! :)

2008-12-21T21:31:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's official, I got to wear clothes today, if only for a minute! And Mommy took advantage of the word clothes and decided a stocking would do. Aren't I adorable though? A definite chic magnet!
Solomon had another great day. He gained 50g today and is at 1160kg, or 2lbs, 8.9 oz. He did excellent while Missy and Mark put in a larger breathing tube for him. During the transition, he was on CPAP for a little bit and performed well. We spoke with his doctor, Dr Green this evening and he thinks that with adequate weight gain, Solomon can be on a CPAP around the beginning of the year. Around that time he should be able to maintain his body temp on his own which means we can play dress up more often. :)
I held my little darling again today. It's a wonderful feeling... especially when you get to look down and see him staring at you. Daddy promises that he'll be brave enough to hold him this week. I told him he'd better watch out because Solomon has a great grasp on him and Daddy's chest hair is fair game!
Keep us in your prayers please as we have an exciting couple of weeks ahead!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

I'm breathing more on my own today!

2008-12-20T20:12:00.000-06:00

We spent several hours with the little guy today and noticed that he's doing better and better every day. Today he had his number of forced (vent fed) breaths cut down to 25 and he really stepped up his game and did a lot more breathing on his own. His doctor was so pleased that he finally mentioned the C word - CPAP. Graduation to a CPAP is a big thing for a NICU parent. :) And I can see it in the no too distant future. For now, he needs to keep up the breathing on his own and work on maintaining his oxygen saturation levels. He's very good and the de-sat, hi-sat game right now...
Solomon's little butt is getting better too now that mom's eating a more bland diet. He said thank you, trust me. :) He's up to 23ml per feed now and his fortifier has been added back in to bring the calories up to 22. The doctor mentioned tonight that they'll probably raise it to 24 soon. He's gotta keep gaining weight so we'll do whatever we have to in order to help.
I drove for the first time today in 6 weeks and lived to tell the story. I'll be going back to work on the 30th...it's coming fast too! I go to the doctor for my wound care on Monday and hope to get good news.
Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!
Love,Sami, Tracy and Solomon

I'm a growing boy!

2008-12-18T20:18:00.000-06:00

Solomon gained another 10 grams today to reach 1080 or 2 lbs, 6.1 oz. He's growing a tiny bit behind schedule since they've cut out the additional calories from his milk (because his little bottom is raw) so the docs have asked me to eat a blander diet and they'll try adding calories back to his milk. The goal is for him to gain 15-30g a day.
The place was a zoo today. One baby was going home so the parents were all loud and excited while another baby was being admitted which meant that people were running around everywhere. Solomon took it all in stride for the most part. His oxygen level got down to 30% but with all the addiitonal noise, he had to be bumped up to 35%... still not bad considering we were as high as 60% not long ago.
Our goals for now are to keep gaining weight, keep up our progess on weening off the vent and get to 1500g so mommy can dress the little guy. :)
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

I saw Santa today!

2008-12-17T20:09:00.000-06:00

The Plano Police Department was nice enough to schedule a visit with Santa for us today and Solomon received a teddy bear that is 5 times his size! It was a wonderful experience though. Check out the photo section for our picture.
Overall, Solomon had a great day. His sodium levels are normal, he got down to 31% oxygen (our air is 21%) and he graduated to a bar to hold his breathing tube in place instead of tape, so he's breathing more comfortably now. We did kangaroo care today and the alarms were silent yet again. Solomon was breathing well and I got to enjoy resting my cheek on his tiny head.
We hope you are all having a great day as well.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

He gained 1.4 oz today!

2008-12-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

Solomon is up to 2 lbs 5 oz now, and no end's in sight now that he's drinking 19ml 8 times a day. His lab results are actually showing that he's a little dry, so they increased his milk volume. His sodium was a little on the low side now that he's drinking milk only (no iv's) so they are adding sodium to his feeding tube to try to bring his labels up to normal levels. He's responding well to his chest physiotherapy and his lung x-rays keep getting better. We did 3 hours of kangaroo care today and both enjoyed it tremendously. His alarms barely went off, and when they did, it was because I mistakenly did something he didn't like such as taking his hat off to kiss him...oh well! I want my kisses!!!
Tomorrow he will be 4 weeks old and I'll be 30 years old. I've ordered 31 cupcakes to mark the occasion. Maybe I'll be nice enough to share. LOL
We thank you as always for your continued prayers.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We are back at 2lbs 2.6 oz... he's been a superman today!

2008-12-14T20:26:00.000-06:00

I spent the day with my son today, and it was wonderful. He is very responsive to the voices of his parents as evidenced by his awesome breathing today when Mommy and Daddy were telling and reading him stories. His doctor even suggested that Sami and I record ourselves reading to him so that the nurses can play it for him when we are not around. Solomon has excelled in the GI arena as well - the boy can fill a diaper! And whoever said that breastmilk diapers don't stink lied! When they started adding calories to my milk this week to supplement his nutrition, he became an expert at stinking up the joint. We are no longer in doubt as to when he needs changing. :)
Solmon as I said is doing much better in the breathing department. The good doctors are tweaking his vent settings to ensure that he comes off the vent as smoothly as possible, but it still may take many weeks. I was told by his Grandma this evening that when his cousin Braydon saw his pics for the first time, he just wanted to know if Solomon was wearing a Superman mask on his face....from the mouths of babes! Now I smile when I see the vent tubes connected to his face instead of always thinking about how soon we can get rid of them!
Tuesday I turn 30 and Solomon hits the 4 week, 28 week CGA mark. It's a big week for us both, and I am definitely looking forward to spending it with him.
Thank you as always, for your messages, kindness and prayers!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

A double pounder with cheese!

2008-12-10T08:59:00.000-06:00

Sami doesn't like it when I say that, but that's what he is. He is officially 2lbs 1.5oz now and is 33 cm long (12.8 inches). He tries to smile a little which is where I got the cheese from. :) Solomon's doing well. He let me hold him for 3 hours yesterday and is at 11 ml now on his feedings. He'll be at .5 oz before I know it! His little belly is not so little anymore and is growing every day. He's able to stay awake a little while longer now and tries to focus in on my face. His oxygen is a little higher now since he's breathing on his own and burning through more calories and energy. They are trying to bring it down, and hopefully he'll be successful with that today.
Thanks for your continued prayers!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

My boy knows what to do with a passy!

2008-12-07T16:54:00.000-06:00

I got to hold Solomon again today, and he was very very happy with that. I hold him during his feeds now so that he will grow to associate me with eating. He is up to 8 ml now and will be at 15 ml Wednesday of next week. I said oz before, don't know what my tired brain was thinking! :)
Solomon rested his head against me so hard he actually got a bruise on his little cheek. Don't worry, Child Protective Services has not been called as the nurses could see how happy he was with me. LOL
Solomon got a dose of medicine today, surfactant, which is supposed to help his lungs continue to grow and develop. Our goal is to be off the vent by week 34, so he's got a little over 7 weeks to go. He has actually been breathing over the vent a few times today, but with all that he's been through, it's easier for him to let the vent do the work while he concentrates on growing, and I can't really fault him for that. They are decreasing his IV nutrition now that he is increasing his milk intake. So far, his little tummy is doing just fine digesting all of that milk. If only Mommy can keep up with his demands...
I got to the doc tomorrow morning and hope to get my wound vac removed. Then I'll have a lot of my mobility back and be able to do more with my little man. Hopefully we'll both have a good week!
Thanks again for your kindness!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

Our baby boy keeps growing!

2008-12-07T07:09:00.000-06:00

He's at 2 lbs 2.6 oz as of yesterday! He may be a little less today when we go in because they've been giving him a diuretic to help him prepare for the blood transfusion he received last night due to slightly lower hematacrit levels. This is pretty normal though given all the blood tests the little guy has to put up with on any given day. We had a nice visit yesterday that was cut short (I only held him for 2 hours instead of the 3 we both wanted) because my stupid wound vac machine decided to act up. I will be soooooo glad when I get to remove that thing. Please pray that I get the go ahead on Monday to just use dressings on my wound until it heals. You have no idea what a hassle the wound vac is. It's also a blessing though because it has helped me to heal much faster than I would have otherwise.
Solomon is doing pretty well overall. His sodium levels are approaching normal and his blood gasses are pretty good. He's breathing a little on his own still, but is a little lazy in that department which, I quite frankly, think he's a little entitled to be after all that he's been through. We've got a few weeks to work on that though, and hopefully early next year he'll be off the vent.
We can start dressing him when he reaches 1500 kgs, and he's at 980 now, so I am getting his wardrobe ready. :) I've been told I can bring in his personal blankets and socks now, so the hunt is on for premie socks. Mama got his blankets washed up for me last night so he'll have his own blankets to lay on going forward. Every little bit of personalization helps to make the experience a little less surreal. Not sure if I mentioned it already or not, but his grandparents also bought him his first Christmas tree and nativity. And, Daddy had to be sure that his favorite jeweled out camel is there to watch over Solomon when his Mommy and Daddy can't be there.
Please continue to pray for all of us. We ask particularly that the Lord continue to give Solomon the energy to fight and to make the brain connections that breathing on his OWN is a good thing. :)
Love always,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We are an ounce shy of 2 lbs!

2008-12-06T15:47:00.000-06:00

Solomon's eating 6 oz of milk every 3 hours now... poor Mommy is beginning to feel like a cow! :) He got his PAL line out today which is a tremendous relief to us all. It was a little late in coming out which means Kangaroo Care had to be put on hold. But we are back on track now. Yesterday, everyone was worried that our little man might have an infection, but so far, he's proven them wrong. He's still leaning on the vent quite a bit for breathing support, but this could be because the tube they have down his throat is no longer the right size given his fast growth. They will be fitting him for another tube in the coming week to see if that helps with his breathing. Solomon was wide awake for Mommy and Daddy today during touch time. He opens his eyes for us quite a bit now. I actually got a couple of pictures today of him with is eyes open, and hopefully they will come out well. As Solomon continues in the convalescent phase, please pray for him to show the strength to breath without the vent. It will be a long process, but he can do it.
Thanks for everything!
Love,Sami, Tracy and Solomon

What can grandparents/family/friends do to help?

2008-12-04T19:36:00.000-06:00

The birth of a premature baby is an emotional time for everyone. As a grandparent you probably joyfully anticipated the birth of a healthy baby. It is natural to want to take your child’s fears, pain and anxiety away, but that is sometimes not what he/she needs right now. The parent(s) of the new baby need to be supported. They are going through a life crisis. The first thing to realize is that this is a very difficult and confusing time for the new parents. Our society has not worked out how to deal with the preemie phenomena yet. The advice below may seem contradictory – that means you have to be careful to tune into how things are going for the new parents before you follow any of it. Different people react in different ways, and every parent and every baby is different.
Suggestions on how you can help include:
• Offer a hug, a tear, or other signs of love and concern. Try to be strong for the parent(s) who are on such a roller-coaster ride of emotions.
• Offer to be the family communicator. Find out exactly whom to notify and what the baby’s parent(s) want others to know. Communicate that information – no more. Group emails are a great way to get the word out, and you can always print and save them for a later date to give to the parents. They will appreciate your efforts.
• Try to alleviate guilt. It is natural for a mother of a preemie to feel guilty for not carrying the baby to term and to feel responsible for the condition and problems of the baby. With rare exceptions, there was nothing the mother did to cause the baby to be premature or have problems. She needs to hear this over and over again. Sometimes having her talk to her obstetrician is reassuring.
• If there are other children and they know you well, offer to care for them; spend extra time interacting with them, help them to feel as important as the baby.
• Help with household chores: going on errands, getting groceries, cooking picking up the house, yard work, caring for pets, providing transportation for their other children or for the parents. Often the mother cannot drive for up to 6 weeks after delivery. She may need rides to the hospital until she is released from her doctor.
• Acknowledge the baby’s birth like you would if the baby had been born on time, such as sending flowers to the mother, buy something for the baby, take pictures. Gift suggestions include: disposable cameras or film, baby book, diary or calendar to record important events, snacks for the hospital or coins for the vending machines, pre-paid gas gift cards or pre-paid long distance calling cards, etc.
• Become involved with the new baby only to the extent that the parent(s) desire. Let the parent(s) have time alone with the baby. If they don’t invite you to become involved, accept their need for privacy.
• Be empathetic regarding their concerns for their child. Let them know how worried you were when your children became sick.
• Help parents keep their focus in the right place, on the baby! Decrease additional stresses in their lives. This means putting aside any personal problems, such as disagreements, conflicts with other grandparents or children, or feelings of being “left out.” Be sensitive to the emotional strain that the premature birth is placing on the preemie parents. Try not to do anything to make things harder for them. This may mean excusing them from family duties such as reunions, birthday parties or other gatherings.
• Find something about the baby to compliment at each visit, be it hair color, eyes, willingness to fight, cute feet, long fingers, a loving staff of nurses, etc.
• Praise your son/daughter/friend for his/her strength through this stress; it provides encouragement.
• Help the parent(s) keep up with his/her health. They tend to focus only on the baby, excluding and sometimes risking their own health and well being.
• Suggest talking to a professional or seeking out medical help if the pressures grow too great.
• When setbacks occur, go back over all the successes the baby has had to date; help them acknowledge the battles the baby has already won. Even when setbacks seem minor, do not minimize how difficult they are for the parents.
• Offer to stay with them during NICU visits. Often a parent is alone. It can be a lonely time and just being there may help. If this is refused though, don’t see it as a sign of exclusion; respect the space your child or friend needs.
• Be there for them when they need you. This might be during surgery or a sad moment, when dinners are needed, when they need a hand with the camera or merely a funny card. It may seem like your son/daughter/friend calls only in times of dire need, but that is when they need your help the most.
• Keep in touch often, even when it’s only leaving a message on an answering machine telling them you care. Often, evenings are a good time to see how the baby’s day went. Keep the conversation going only as long as your son/daughter/friend wishes. Remember they are physically and emotionally exhausted and may just need to know that you are thinking of them and their baby. Keep questions general, such as “how was the baby’s day today?”. Try not to ask if everything is “all right”; there is always something that is not right - often it’s just the mere fact that the baby is still hospitalized. They will provide information when they are ready to share it. Often, parents will only tell you that it’s been a bad day. Respect the fact that they do not wish to rehash the painful event again.
• If the nursery allows grandparents to visit, the person should ask permission from the baby’s parent(s) before doing so. This empowers the parents and gives them the message that the grandparent or visitor wants to respect the wishes of the parent(s) and that they understand the seriousness of the baby’s condition. Grandparents can also help others understand the importance of having the parents be the decision makers for their baby. Mothers of preemies are usually extremely protective of their baby during and after the NICU stay. They will typically make the baby’s health a priority over everything else in their life. Be understanding of this.
• Educate yourself. Whether it is through the Internet or books, you will find it easier to understand the factors involved with a premature infant and this will enable you to understand what the parent(s) are going through even more.
• Clean, clean, clean! Remember to always wash your hands before visiting the baby. This should apply to when the baby goes home also. This will help to prevent the spreading of germs that could possibly put the child at risk. Preemies are generally at higher risk for infection and diseases. Please avoid all contact if you think you may be sick or not feeling well. Respect additional instructions that may exist from the parent(s) as there may be special circumstances for further safeguards. When the child comes home, they are still not like a full-term baby. Even if it seems the parent(s) are overreacting, they are just trying to protect the health of the baby.
Having a child admitted into the NICU is usually a new experience for all families. Their lives will be forever changed by the new bundle of joy. The suggestions in this list may not apply to your family but is intended to be a helpful tool that hopefully can make your road a little smoother. Parents of preemies may go through a range of emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression, anxiety, frustration, helplessness and many others. Be patient as they are not themselves at this time. Eventually, things do settle down and the healing can begin (for everyone).Taken from University of Wisconsin Department of Pediatrics: UW Pediatrics: Parents of Preemies

Solmon gained and ounce and lost a line! GREAT DAY!

2008-12-04T15:37:00.000-06:00

Yep, our little guy gained a whole ounce overnight now that he's back on feedings, and has had 2 extra feedings a day added! His lung x-rays looked better today, and Doctor Perez approved the removal of his PICC line. It seems like just yesterday that we struggled so hard to get that line in place! His PAL line (arterial) is next to go and should be removed this evening. I know Solomon will be thrilled as the line and all the wrappings to keep it in place make is left arm look like a club. Don't let him fool you either, he will bat it around in a heart beat and work himself into a fit. His nurse today has the arm restrained in his bed and the little guy is finally calm without sedatives being used. I was shocked. He's not alarming as much, and just looks more at peace. I bet he'll be even better after they take the line out this evening. I know I'll be thrilled because if that line comes out, he gets more Kangaroo Care tomorrow!!!!
KANGAROO FRIDAY, HERE WE COME!
The docs are pleased with his progress and are slowly starting to ween him off the vent. He's tolerating it well so far.
I went for my two week follow up with my OB today which was tough, but we survived. I have a really good OB who goes out of his way to check on me and Solomon. I told him I don't know when he sleeps and he replied that if I want Solomon to be a doctor, push him towards dermatology so that he can get some shut eye. :)
We read the babies' lab reports and confirmed that both had been exposed to the infection that I have, but that we were able to get Solomon out before the infection could pass to him. We'd been told that before, but seeing it in writing is a different story. Especially seeing that they found evidence of infection in his umbilical cord too. I didn't know that until today.
Keep those prayers coming, and we'll keep the ounces comning, how about that? :)
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We have progressed to the next phase!

2008-12-03T19:40:00.000-06:00

Today Dr. Perez, the doc who actually took care of Solomon after delivery, stopped by to give us the gloom and doom speech. We get this every day from one of the doctors, so we are used to it. It's their job to prepare us for the worst so that we are happy when that doesn't come to pass. Today, Dr. Perez said that Solomon has moved past the "Acute Care" phase and is actually moving into the "Convalescent Care" phase in which we will begin to focus on feedings, weight gain, and weening off the vent. He then proceeded to tell us, like the good docs before him, that Solomon's major obstacles at this point will be avoiding BPD, accute lung disease, which affects many preemies born at his size. So, we read up on that disease and discovered that it sounds horrible, but most who get it grow out of it with time as their lungs continue to develop. Actually, it sounds a lot like a description of my own lungs due to asthma's harsh effects on them. I proceeded to read a description of the disease to Sami, who gets terrified everytime I mention a disease or issue we should look out for with Solomon. I thought he was aware of the docs' "gloom and doom" strategies after all we'd been through in the past month, but apparently not. Luckily, he had a nice chat with Solomon's nurse while I was pumping and now fully understands that Solmon stands a good chance of pulling through just fine w/o BPD, or blindness, or any of the other scary things they throw at us.
Solomon's still tolerating his feedings well, and we hope to start increasing them slowly tomorrow. He's grown a bit in the past two weeks and now weighs 1lb 11.9 oz and is 12 1/2 inches long. The next 6 weeks are his convalescent period and will hopefully show lots of weight and height gain. He was a fast grower in the womb, and I fully expect him to continue. :)
Every day I learn of a new prayer list to which our little Solomon has been added. We are so fortunate to have so many loving friends and family supporting us during this time. I miss speaking and visiting with you all as well, and look forward to the day when we go home with our "Scrappy" and get to introduce him slowly to all of those who have helped him make it this far!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

Kangaroo Care Rocks!

2008-12-02T21:55:00.000-06:00

Sooo... Solomon's doc said this morning he was doing good, but not excellent. Well, we weren't having any of that! He gave me permission to do Kangaroo Care today, which is skin to skin contact between parent and child. Solomon still has several IV's, so I was surprised that he gave permission, particularly given that he has a major line going into his left arm which is very sensitive. However, once they put my son in my arms, he began to perform like a champion! His heart rate soared, his oxygen sat got better, and he began to breath double and tripple over the vent. He did so well, they let me hold him for 2 hours and joked that I should just move in to the NICU and hold him all the time. I already am looking forward to our Kangaroo time tomorrow! And yes, before you ask, they took pics of me holding him which I hope to get developed this weekend and will post online.
As always, thank you tremendously for your love, prayers and support!
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We had another good day!

2008-12-01T17:23:00.000-06:00

Solomon had another good report card today. He's off his bp meds completely, and is doing well in that department. His blood gasses are better so they are starting to ween his settings on the vent, and he's been responding well to that. Solomon's big goals for now are:1. Start feeding tomorrow2. Ween off the vent, and3. Decrease the inflamation that's showing on his lungs after the surgery (nothing unexpected, but a must fight nontheless).
He's officially nicknamed Scrappy now. His doctor called him that the other day, and I kind of like it. It describes him very well. Solomon's still on a little bit of sedative, but that's mostly because he's ready to wiggle around too much while he still needs to heal. They have cut the dose in half, and hope to continue to do so until he's off completely.
I changed his diaper again today, and he's doing well in that department. He is still getting rid of the merconium which helps with his billirubin numbers. They are low enough now to come off of the light, but the docs want to give him another day.
I swear the boy is growing! He looks much longer than when he was born. I hope to get pics up this week...I promise. They will measure him again tomorrow night. The doc says he still has some fluid in him and that I should expect him to lose weight for a few more days before beginning to gain towards the end of the week. He's officially 780 grams right now (1 lb, 11.5 oz) but the docs are using 700 grams as his true weight (minus fluid) which means he's gained 20 grams in 2 weeks. Now that he's past the PDA surgery and starting to see the benefits, he should begin to gain faster as he goes back on breast milk and continues his IV nutrition.
I am doing better too. My hospice nurses came for the first time today...what a riot they are. My "torture" was better today (changing the vac on my wound) thanks to good drugs which I had to promise my doc to only use when the nurses were treating me. I got a hair cut and feel like a new woman.
As always, thanks for your love, care, prayers and support. We don't know how we'd make it without your encouragement.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

Solomon continues to do well!

2008-11-30T14:27:00.000-06:00

The surgery really paid off! His kidney function has improved nearly 4 fold, and his blood is now going to all the right places. Every day presents a new challenge though, and for the past 2 days, it's been that he has a partially collapsed lung from spending so much time on his right side following surgery on his left. His vent settings have been upped to try and get the fluid that's accumulated on the lung out, and so far, it seems to be working. He's back on the billirubin light - nothing new - but his #s were not that far outside of normal. I told him he just likes to get a tan. Speaking of which, Solomon has georgous skin - it's just terribly sensitive given his prematurity. His doctor calls him scrappy still and had a relativley good report for me this morning. He's proven to all of us that he's both a miracle and a fighter, and I thank you all sooooooo much for keeping him, and us, in your thoughts and prayers.
I made it home from the hospital yesterday afternoon, which was more difficult than I thought emotionally. It's hard to leave Solomon here and to know that I'm going home with one fewer child than what I expected. It's hard, but we'll make it. I'm just greatful to God for giving me such a fighter in my son, Solomon.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We had surgery today!

2008-11-28T16:31:00.000-06:00

It's been a crazy 48 hours. Yesterday the docs came to us with the news that little Solomon needed surgery on his PDA, a valve that normally closes in term babies so that the blood flows the right way. We'd tried treating with medicine, and the valve closed for a day, but opened back up the next day. The docs all recomended surgery since Solomon's kidneys werent' getting enough blood and his lungs were getting too much. He had the surgery this morning at 10 am, and came through like a trooper. They also put in a catheter so that they can give his poor veins a rest in the rest of his body. He lost a little blood and is getting a transfusion as we speak to help with that. Solomon is sedated, and sleeping peacefully at present. He'll be that way for the next couple of days and will be completely dependent upon the ventilator. He will hopefully be able to resume feedings tomorrow or the next day. In the meantime, he is being nurished via iv's. We've been told it'll be a very rough ride over the next few days, but after coming through this, the three of us feel we can survive anything.
I am doing better over all. My wound is healing wonderfully despite the horrible infection I had, and I hope to be discharged tomorrow. My wbc count is up, which has the docs puzzled, but hopefully all will resolve itself in time - and with a litle sleep. :)
Please keep praying for us, we desperately need it and appreciate all that you have done for us thus far.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

Sorry it's taken so long!

2008-11-25T18:21:00.000-06:00

I've tried to post 2 updates lately, and neither one went...and quiet frankly, I was too exhausted to try again until today. :)
Little Solomon is doing well and living up to his big name. His murmur went away for a day but has returned. We spoke with his doctor just now and he's not terribly concerned. He said the medicine could still work or Solomon could do it on his own. Let's pray for either!
He has his blood pressure under control, and his blood sugar is lowering slowly but steadily. He had a brain scan which showed no signs of hemoraghing. He's really a miracle, our Solomon. The doctors are even saying we can hold him soon.
Me... that's another story all together. We found the source of my fevers on Sunday night. Apparently when Rafe was delivered, some of his infection was transfered to the outside of my uterus. I wound up with an major infection there which lead to me being put on isolation until they could rule out MRSA (Staph). I've been on every antibiotic under the moon for the past two weeks, and am finally, THANK GOD, without fever. I'm just terribly exhausted now as my body tries to heal from the infection. I'm off isolation now as they've determined that the infection is endometritis. I have a neat little wound vac now that goes everywhere with me and will help me heal faster. They are even talking about me getting a picc line of my own so that I can get my antibiotics without blowing veins every day.
So, to end, please pray for us all. We all have an uphill battle ahead of us, but with God's help, we can do it. As always, we thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support.
Love,
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

We had another good night

2008-11-22T21:22:00.000-06:00

Solomon slept well last night on his stomach. He needs a PICC line so they can stop having to take blood from his poor feet. They are a little bruised to say the least. He had lab work done yesterday and the only thing really off were his tryglicerides. No worries though, this happens, and they just take him off his lipids for a day or so. I sat with him twice today. I stayed so long the second time and they had to get a wheelchair to get me back to my room. I had gotten a little drowsy and they didn't want me walking back on my on. I feel like all I do is drink water and pump. LOL When I went to visit Solomon the second time this morning, he was on his back. He was soooo cute! His hands were clasped together and it looked like he was praying. That's what we all need to do!
Luv you all and thanks for your thoughts and prayers!
Sami, Tracy and Solomon

Pray for a PICC line, and a shrinking murmur!

2008-11-22T17:21:00.000-06:00

Just had a visit with Solomon again and had a chat with his Doctor. Solomon's been doing well today. His billirubin was low enough to come off of the light today, and he's resting well on his stomach in the dark. He looked so calm, it was awesome to say the least. We tried a procedure yesterday to give them better access to Solomon's veins. They tried to put in a PICC line. It was not successful yesterday or today though, because the catheter (PICC) is bigger than his veins once you reach a certain point. If this continues, he will need a small operation. In addition, he has a heart mumur which is expected in kids his age. They used to treat it with indicen (medicine I used to stop contractions) but he's getting essentially ibuprofin instead. We will learn Sunday if it's worked. If not he'll have surgery to fix the murmur and put in a catheter if the PICC line continues to give trouble. The surgeries could be done though as a two in one which would be awesome. Once he gets the murmur taken care of, he'll be able to develop a little faster hopefully. The docs found it early since they wanted to explore doing a PICC line and thought they'd find trouble, so all in all, he's being prepared well for the next hurdles. The docs all say he's doing well, and he looks like it too. He has my nose - I have probably said that before, but will say it many many more times. :)

Solomon had a good night!

2008-11-21T07:41:00.000-06:00

I just took a walk down to NICU - still not able to visit the little guy because my fever won't go away - but I got an update. He slept well through the night since they put him on his tummy and gave him a tiny tiny bit of sedative. His sugars were an issue again last night, but not like they have been - yesterday they would swing wildly from 34 to 200. I am told that 40ish is normal for an infant his age. Today, they are going as far down, jut getting a little too high at times. This is normal for for a preemie at his gestation though.
I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I know I've been unavailable a lot as I've tried to fight this infection that was passed to me during the events of last week. I was told it could have been life threatening if we'd waited another day to deliver - both for Solomon as well as myself. I told Mama that I must hve pikced up some kind of exotic bug or something that no one's ever heard of which is why I can't seem to kick the infection no matter how many antibiotics I take. :)
Finally, a lot of people have asked about sending flowers for Rafe's burial. We would much more appreciate, and think Rafe would have agreed, donations to the March of Dimes in his honor.

We saw a heartbeat today!

2008-07-19T21:11:00.000-05:00

What is it with me and blood clots??? We had a scary night last night... rather de ja vu like, with me deciding to bleed like crazy. My OB brought me in for an ultrasound this morning to see what was going on. I'd been spotting since the pregnancy test on the 3rd, but everyone assured me that was normal. Well, what do we see first on the ultrasound? A huge blood clot which was the source of all my problems! We also saw 3 sacs though. One was empty, one was progressing nicely and already showing a beating heart, and the third was too small to tell at this point. It has a chance of making it, but will need to fight hard to catch up to where it needs to be. So, after lots of drama yesterday, I now know what's going on and will not be so freaked out if it happens again. I've been put on light duty for a while, and we'll go back next Monday afternoon to see how things are progressing.

Me and Britney Spears

2008-02-09T21:12:00.000-06:00

so, I had myself a Britney moment on Friday morning around 12 am. This is embarrasing to say, but I woke up in a pool of what I thought was pee, and thought to myself, "didn't I grow out of this phase?" Now you know more than you wanted to know about me, I know, but it gets worse. I then ran to the bathroom because I had the urge to go again REALLLLLY bad, and low and behold, once I finally got the lights on, I realized I was actually covered in blood. I could have made my own horror movie in my bathroom!

Stupid me, my first thought was not to call 911, it was to get my drenched nightgown off and take a shower. Only, I never made it in to the shower, because I passed out at the door. I came to with Sami beside me asking if we should call 911... guess he's the only smart one in the house. Then, as I'm talking to the lady at 911 central, I realize I am naked and there are people coming to see me... oh no, that was not going to happen, so then I started freaking out about getting a gown on. Thank God Sami was there, because he saved the day once again by bringing me my black night shirt. Luckily, when the 6 SEXXXXXXY as hell firemen showed up, I was not naked, just sitting in a pool of blood instead. They assured me, they'd seen it all.
The cutest one decided I needed an IV, only I was so dehydrated at that point, that it would have taken forever to find a vein, so they got me up and onto a stretcher and I had my Britney moment. They strapped me down in my black nightgown and wheeled me out to the ambulance. I told them I felt like Britney and they assured me that the flashing lights from the other 2 trucks (yes 2 firetrucks accompanied the ambulance because there's nothing to do on a Friday morning in Little Elm) were the paparazzi. Oh my God that Tracy's shameless!
So, I spent the night in the hospital where I proceeded to lose lots more blood before they figured out how to stop it. Luckily I had a lot extra in my system because of the failed pregnancy though, or I'd have had to get a transfusion. They gave me 2 choices, another D&C (which would mean we wouldn't have a shot in hell of having kids) or to take the meds and hope for improvement. Guess which one we chose!? I finally checked out of the looney bin around 10 yesterday morning, and I have to say, I am doing a whole lot better today. Just a little week still, but that's to be expected.
And, lastly, for all of you wondering about Sami's clean freak gene, I sent him home for a couple of hours EARLY Friday to clean the murder scene from our bathroom. He's such a sweetheart. And props to the firemen who had actually stayed back while I was being carted out and tried to help him clean some of it then!
But really, have we not been through enough? I need a vacation and a gun to shoot that damned monkey that seems to have lodged itself on our backs!

January 24, 2008

2008-01-24T21:13:00.000-06:00

Hope you all are doing well. My bronchitis is recovering nicely thankfully. I actually slept through the night last night which is a first since I've been pregnant. Whooo Hooooo. Why do I still feel tired then? LOL
We go for our first Dr visit next week. Can't wait to see how baby Khoury is doing!
We are expecting our first winter storm of the season tonight. I hope it blows over, because I have a lot of driving to do for work tomorrow. :) If it's icy, my but will be staying warm in Casa de Khoury.
Have y'all figured out where you are going to spend your taxes yet? It's looking like ours will go to paying 2007's tax bill... go figure. :)
Stay warm out there!

I’ve got bronchitis and it sucks!!!!!

2008-01-20T21:14:00.000-06:00

Seriously though! Enough with this shit. I went to the hospital today becuase I'm not getting any better (urgent care is located there). They said, yeah you have bronchitis, and you need to quit smoking... uh, duh! I don't smoke. Guess my cough sounds like a smokers cough. LOL I bet I was asked about smoking 5 times before I left. They gave me a z pack though, because they don't want to mess around with me being preggers and all. And the lady was kind enough to point out that I was there this very same day last year due to food poisoning. Okay, I seriously hate January 20th now. 2 years in a row???
So, it's bed rest for me for a while. I've been in bed for 2 days now anyway. At least its a holiday weekend for me so I won't have to miss work Monday. I just hope I'm better in time to fly on Wednesday since I have to go to Oklahoma City.
And can someone please kick New England's ass? I am so tired of watching them win win win... boring. I'm ready for someone to take them down a peg or two. Maybe NY will be the team. I guess I'll be watching the game alone this year though because after our dr appt on the 31st, Sami is jetting off to Vegas. I wish I could go, but Vegas is no place for a pregnant lady. Sami will just have to win me tons of money to make up for leaving me here all alone.

I threw my back out tonight!

2007-11-30T21:15:00.000-06:00

Which sucks for real when all I was trying to do was pick up a trashbag off the floor. The @$%$ thing wasn't even heavy. So it's happy meds for me tonight. Now we have 2 cripples in the Khoury household. LOL
We met with our fertility doctor last week, and we should be beginning the process again in a couple of days. Hopefully, we'll get a better outcome this time.
Sami is getting ready to go off to Vegas on his own the first week of November. Hopefully he'll make us all some money. I on the other hand, have to save my vacation days for Christmas so I'm staying my sorry but home this time. I'll be in NC the weekend before Halloween though. I can't wait to see everyone!
Plus, I have to bribe Braydon to tell me Hickory Dickory Dock.... :)

Happy Friday Everyone!

2007-11-02T21:14:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to remind you all that daylight savings time is this Sunday. Great news for all of you going out to celebrate Leebug's bday! :) Wish we could be there, but we'll see y'all at Thanksgiving instead. Hopefully we'll have some good news by then. As of yesterday, we have 10 eggs, not quite a dozen, but as the Dr says, we are still "recruiting". Lol Our surgery is set for next week and we'll know for sure what's happening Thanksgiving week.

SAMI had his surgery yesterday

2007-09-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

He ended up having to spend the night in the hospital due to some excessive bleeding from his knee. He's doing really well though and made it home this afternoon. He's up and walking on his crutches, but cannot take a shower for 2 weeks. I threatened to kill him if he eats garlic during that time!
We had a blast in Vegas. I've got to get back to eating healthy again though, because we start IVF again in a couple of weeks. It was impossible to do this week though because of Sami being in the hospital. The place had a tiny cafeteria that was only open like 1 hour a day and the hospital itself was located in the middle of the GHETTO. I kid you not. I didn't feel safe venturing out so I stuck to McDonalds which was right across the street. Big Mac it was then! LOL

Vacation - FINALLY!!!

2007-09-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well it's finally here... Sami and I are going for a week of vacation in Las Vegas. We are so excited. I can't write much because I have to go and pack. :)
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! We are taking a much needed rest before Sami has knee surgery on Monday the 17th and we restart the IVF process. I'm looking forward to a week of shows and our first joint concert - Mana. I know, you are saying "WTF, WHO IS MANA?". They are a Mexican rock band that Sami and I fell in love with years ago. He has no idea what they are saying but loves the music. We should have a blast! The VMA's start tomorrow night so we should see lots of celebs....
Had to change my song this week too. For some reason, I love the new BS song even if I don't really care for her.

We will try again in October

2007-08-31T21:17:00.000-05:00

For those of you who hadn't heard by now... we lost our first two embryos. This week has sucked majorly!! I've been depressed for sure and this is the first day I've signed back on to MySpace. I've not wanted to do anything. But now I'm beginning to look forward to October!
We got the news on Tuesday am from my IVF nurse. She's such a sweetheart, but I still broke down on the phone with her... I'm crying again even as I type this. Enough with the crying already!!!! But what really impressed me the most was that an hour after I spoke with Krissy, our IVF nurse, the Dr called me personally to extend his condolences. He told us he'd reviewed our case and thinks he's pinpointed the problem. We will be doing several things differently on the next go round thanks to the lovely effects that my PCOS has on my body. So for now, I'm still avoiding the sugar and gearing up for many more shots (about 30 more than last time at least) which should begin in mid October. The Dr and I agreed that my body needs a break for now.
On a more positive note, I'm sooooo happy my brother made it out of this week without a scratch! He had the week from hell too, but as Dana says in her blog, definitely had a guardian angel or two watching over him. I dedicate the song on my page to him, and he'll know why even if the rest of you think I'm crazy...LOL
I am looking forward to a much needed vacation starting next Friday. I'm waiting for Sami to get home now so that we can go out shopping for a couple of items to plan for our trip. It's almost our little ritual now - before we go to Vegas, we have to buy new shoes!

TODAY IS TRANSFER DAY!!!

2007-08-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

I'm on bed rest for the next two days. Damn, life's a bitch isn't it! lol
Today went well. The Dr said he picked the two embryos that looked the most like Sami - big and round - and put them back in. Hopefully they will implant today or tomorrow so I'm in bed until Friday.
I'm having to eat pineapple twice a day now until our pregnancy test. We should find out next Saturday if we are pregnant or not!! I can't wait!