WARNING... guys... feel free to stop reading here if you like, because I'm going to discuss the disposition of my cervix...lol
Okay... you have been warned...
Everything went great today. We got two answers instead of the one that we were looking for. Not only were we blessed to find out that I do not have scar tissue even after all the issues we went through with infection with the boys last year, I finally found out definitively that I have an incompetent cervix. As my doc put it, most women have a circular cervix, and I have a smiley face one. Well, of course, I have a happy body! :) It's just a little incompetent, that's all. ;)
Now we are on track to get pregnant again around the end of September, early October. I have a few more tests to go in for, including a uterine biopsy, which the doc thinks will actually help with my lining... go figure. I guess it's kind of like hair; if you are trying to grow it out, sometimes trimming it helps. lol
Sami said our doc was pmsing today. Yes, he says guys have it too. We went round and round on the whole lupron debate. Dr Le insisted I was the one that wanted to use it, and I insisted that I deferred to Dr Le as he is the specialist. In the end, Dr Le said he thinks it will be helpful. Go figure... then why the heck was he wasting his breath convincing me it was all my idea and he was just doing what I wanted??? Maybe dealing with women all day has finally gotten to him. :)
On top of everything, I showed up at the office today and was greated by a bill for $720 from last cycle plus $200 for today's visit. I asked if they could bill my insurance for this visit, and billing insisted it wouldn't be approved. I called my insurance, and they sided with billing. Then, after the exam, my doc walks out and tells billing to bill insurance because this was an exam related to recurrent pregnancy loss... how come he knows the magic words and I dont? Now, after I'd paid $200, I find out I only owed $30... Oh well... I am running a tab anyway with the $720 I owed from last cycle... it'll all be worth it in the end.
I read a study this week that says the average American family spends $230K or so raising a child through the age of 18. At this rate, we'll be there before by the time our child hits kindergarten! But... as I keep reminding myself... it will all be worth it in the end.
Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Just a few more hours until we have some news!
3pm tomorrow... that's when we should know more about where we stand. I spent the afternoon researching causes of thin uterine linings and trying to see what else I can do to help... come on uterus, I'm already giving you yoga, massage, acupuncture, BodyTalk and lots and lots of estrogen. Next we'll add Lupron and possibly Viagra... yes, you read correctly, VIAGRA. That should be fun. :)
I've had crazy headaches today. I'm not sure why, I've slipped off the wagon when it comes to not drinking caffeine, so I really don't understand why I'm having these visitors. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me I need to make an appointment for some acupuncture. I've heard the feeling you get after acupuncture compared to the feeling people get from smoking pot... if that's the case, I totally understand why so many people get hooked on pot.
I can't wait to get good news tomorrow so that I can start planning my bed rest parties. Yep, I've decided that being on bed rest during my next pregnancy is no reason not to socialize, so I'll be hosting movie parties from my wonderfully comfortable sofa. Feel free to send me your recommendations to help me pass the time!
Have a wonderful night!
Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!
I've had crazy headaches today. I'm not sure why, I've slipped off the wagon when it comes to not drinking caffeine, so I really don't understand why I'm having these visitors. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me I need to make an appointment for some acupuncture. I've heard the feeling you get after acupuncture compared to the feeling people get from smoking pot... if that's the case, I totally understand why so many people get hooked on pot.
I can't wait to get good news tomorrow so that I can start planning my bed rest parties. Yep, I've decided that being on bed rest during my next pregnancy is no reason not to socialize, so I'll be hosting movie parties from my wonderfully comfortable sofa. Feel free to send me your recommendations to help me pass the time!
Have a wonderful night!
Sticky vibes and baby dust to all!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Two more days to go until the hysteroscopy!
Sooo... I've survived another day in my wait for the hysteroscopy this Wednesday afternoon. The good thing is that work has kept me busy enough today to take my mind off of the race to have a baby that otherwise occupies every waking minute of my day. I swore I'd never let it get this bad, but that's one thing about being on the ttc (trying to conceive) bandwagon... you can't seem to control the process... it controls you if you are not very careful.
Last month when we tried our FET, we had to cancel the cycle because my lining was too thin. My doc wants it to be at least 8 mm thick, and I had a high reading of 7.5 this time before it started to decline.... decline... decline... I'm still not quite sure how that happened. My estrogen numbers were through the rough; just ask my dear hubbie. He had to put up with the tears that seemed to sprout at every minute of the day. So, after 27 days of estrogen, my cycle was cancelled and we decided to do a hysteroscopy to be sure that nothing unexpected is going on down there in Uterusland... that's right, Uterusland... it's a national park now after all the folks I've had taking a look down there. :)
I've been doing acupuncture this go round as well. I started acupuncture for 3rd attempt with IVF as well; even though before doing IVF, I never put much stock in non-Western medicine. Boy was I wrong. I immediately saw benefits from doing acupuncture after my missed miscarriage back in January of 2008. Following that sad event, I was stressed (to put it mildly) and rather depressed. The acupuncture helped me to return to sanity and get a better control of my emotions. It also did wonders with helping me get rid of Lupron headaches and horrible nausea from the high amounts of estrogen in my system. And, low and behold, I got pregnant with triplets the last go round with IVF. So, you can believe I've been back to the acupuncture doctor's office again for our FETs.
This go round, I've taken alternative medicine to a new level. While on the message boards at fertilethoughts.com, I came across a woman who mentioned that she was pursuing BodyTalk to help with the side effects of the medication that she was on for her FET cycle. I immediately started doing research to figure out what the heck BodyTalk was. I soon learned, you stay completely clothed, it's non-invasive and that the practitioner "talks" to your body to see what's not working correctly. I figured if it is non-invasive, it can't do any harm, so... why not? If you had asked me 10 years ago if I'd be giving myself shots, doing acupuncture and now BodyTalk, I'd have told you that you were crazy... oh, yeah... and add to that the Guided Imagery for fertility and fertility Yoga that I'm doing and I'd guess you can say I'm completely on the "holistic medicine" bandwagon. I'll tell you about my BodyTalk experience in more detail another day... but trust me... so far it's been pretty good. :)
I wish you all a wonderful evening!
Sticky Vibes and Baby Dust to all!
Last month when we tried our FET, we had to cancel the cycle because my lining was too thin. My doc wants it to be at least 8 mm thick, and I had a high reading of 7.5 this time before it started to decline.... decline... decline... I'm still not quite sure how that happened. My estrogen numbers were through the rough; just ask my dear hubbie. He had to put up with the tears that seemed to sprout at every minute of the day. So, after 27 days of estrogen, my cycle was cancelled and we decided to do a hysteroscopy to be sure that nothing unexpected is going on down there in Uterusland... that's right, Uterusland... it's a national park now after all the folks I've had taking a look down there. :)
I've been doing acupuncture this go round as well. I started acupuncture for 3rd attempt with IVF as well; even though before doing IVF, I never put much stock in non-Western medicine. Boy was I wrong. I immediately saw benefits from doing acupuncture after my missed miscarriage back in January of 2008. Following that sad event, I was stressed (to put it mildly) and rather depressed. The acupuncture helped me to return to sanity and get a better control of my emotions. It also did wonders with helping me get rid of Lupron headaches and horrible nausea from the high amounts of estrogen in my system. And, low and behold, I got pregnant with triplets the last go round with IVF. So, you can believe I've been back to the acupuncture doctor's office again for our FETs.
This go round, I've taken alternative medicine to a new level. While on the message boards at fertilethoughts.com, I came across a woman who mentioned that she was pursuing BodyTalk to help with the side effects of the medication that she was on for her FET cycle. I immediately started doing research to figure out what the heck BodyTalk was. I soon learned, you stay completely clothed, it's non-invasive and that the practitioner "talks" to your body to see what's not working correctly. I figured if it is non-invasive, it can't do any harm, so... why not? If you had asked me 10 years ago if I'd be giving myself shots, doing acupuncture and now BodyTalk, I'd have told you that you were crazy... oh, yeah... and add to that the Guided Imagery for fertility and fertility Yoga that I'm doing and I'd guess you can say I'm completely on the "holistic medicine" bandwagon. I'll tell you about my BodyTalk experience in more detail another day... but trust me... so far it's been pretty good. :)
I wish you all a wonderful evening!
Sticky Vibes and Baby Dust to all!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A little history...and how we've survived thus far...
It was the best of times… it was the worst of times… I never really understood that expression until this past year. My husband and I have been struggling to start a family over the past 10 years and for the past 3 have been on the IVF rollercoaster. In November of 2007, after our second round of IVF, we were delighted to learn that we were pregnant and were devastated to learn in January 2008 that I had experienced a “missed miscarriage”… I proceeded to have a D&C and then hemorrhaged a week following the procedure landing myself back in the hospital. This was right around the time that Britney Spears had her famous ride to the hospital in her black nightgown for her psychiatric evaluation. Girl... Britney had nothing on me. I awoke in a pool of blood and then passed out on the way to the shower. When I came to my hubby had the cell phone dialing 911 and all I could think of was that I needed my nightgown on before the paramedics got there...and sure enough, it was a black one. I gave all (apparently it took about 12 of Little Elm's finest to respond at 2 am) a laugh when I announced that their flashing lights were actually the papparazzi trying to take my pic as I was being wheeled out on a stretcher. That's another thing I've learned... Humour is a to survive trying to conceive!
I was devastated by our loss and went into a deep depression for several months. The funny thing was, I didn’t realize I had been depressed until I was coming out of it. We decided to try again in June of 2008 and I began doing acupuncture and guided imagery to calm my nerves as we took another ride on the rollercoaster. My body must have been pretty calm and receptive. We were thrilled to learn that we were pregnant in July and our beta numbers (something any woman doing IUI or IVF tracks like lottery numbers) were off the charts. We couldn’t wait to see how many we were having…but alas, we’d have to wait until week 7 to see how many when we went in for our ultrasounds to see the heartbeats…
Sure enough… at week 6.5… my body began to hemorrhage yet again. I immediately told my husband we’d never do this again… I couldn’t take it… The thing is… you never know how much you can handle until after you are through the storm. We went in for a sono the next morning, on a Saturday, and were delighted to learn that I was still pregnant… with twins! We’d lost one (yes, I’d been pregnant with 3) but twins! We’d hit the lottery!
I did everything right… I had a clot from the loss of the first child, so I stayed in bed a lot. I restricted my travel for work, and rarely went into the office. My husband proceeded to spoil me…still does… and I stayed off my feet as much as possible. We got bi-weekly sonos just to “reassure” us, and were told that they’d start watching my cervix at week 16. We did, and didn’t notice anything major until week 22. My cervix went from 4.6cm in length to 3…still nothing major… but the docs advised me to take it easy and stay in bed as much as possible.
Six days later I went out with my husband for a short trip, at least we thought. That was the last time I saw my house for a month! My back was hurting, which I thought was normal since I was now getting bigger, but when it got better once I started walking, I knew something was off. We went to the hospital and found out I was 4 cm dilated… I could tell by the look on my doctor’s face that he didn’t think we’d be able to do anything to stop the labor.
My doc promised he was going home and would see me in the morning… yet I kept seeing him in my room every 10 minutes…the contractions finally stopped a few hours later and I started living on borrowed time…
Rafe’s water broke the next evening, but he hung on for another week. The day Rafe passed, his brother Solomon’s water broke and I had to have a C-section to try to save him… but it was too early, and we knew it… who lives after 23 weeks and 6 days gestation??? We discussed comfort care with Dr. Santiago, and decided only to do something if it looked like Solomon was trying to fight. There’s a very very fine line between trying to help and support your child and torture, and we didn’t want to torture our son…Solomon came out crying… it was a wonderful sound… like a baby cat… I’ll never forget it…He fought intubation and proceed to have a nice honeymoon in the NICU… but Sami and I knew we were facing tough odds…he had a 5-20% chance of survival…and odds were he’d have major disabilities.
Solomon proved to be a fighter… there were many conversations with the doctors where they told us he wasn’t going to make it, but Solomon kept proving them wrong. Finally, on Dec 21st, he got switched to the big boy breathing tube as he’d made it to close to 3 lbs, and the doctor told us he’d be on a CPAP in a week and home by Valentine’s Day. He passed away around 6 am the next morning from Nectrotizing Intercolitis, or NEC, the silent killer of micro-preemies. When we came in and saw the docs and nurses working on him, we knew it wasn’t good, but they gave us 50/50 odds… I think they only did that because he had proven them wrong so many times before.
How do you lose two babies in a month (4 in a year) and survive? I wasn’t sure we would, but have…so far. What has worked for us? Here’s our short list:
1. We went to counseling… I was told by male co-workers who had had this happen to them that you think you don’t need it, but you do.
2. We started focusing on something besides having babies… we are looking into starting a business in 2010 if the economy helps us out, and naming it after our son Solomon.
3. We spent a lot of time together just being honest about how we felt.
4. We took meds, but only to get us over the hump. We both realized that there had come a time when we needed to get through this on our own… without medication.
5. We visit the boys’ grave (Rafe was cremated so they are buried together) and cry, laugh or scream… sometimes you need to do a combination.
6. We spend time apart… sounds like a contradiction to #3, I know, but after a month of togetherness, we spent a month apart as Sami went home to see his family in Lebanon. I missed him, but it was healthy for us.
7. We decided to take a break before trying again. My fertility doctor told me I could try again last May, but we are shooting for a September/October time frame.
8. I took time to work on myself. I looked into everything that happened and tried to pinpoint what I could do differently next time to avoid a repeat occurrence. We’ll do surgery, bed rest, shots, you name it. I’ve started a lifestyle change and have dropped over 35 lbs so far. Being overweight puts you at a higher risk for preterm labor, and if there is something within my control that I can do, I am giving it my all.
9. We had to make some tough decisions. It’s hard after suffering a loss, but our friends have pulled us out and made us do things… You find out who your real friends are after something like this and have to be strong enough to drop the relationships that just cause you pain.
10. We’ve allowed ourselves to have fun again. Laughter really is the best medicine.
My friend from China assures me that this year will be better. She said last year was the year of the rat… no good in her words… but this year is the year of the Ox, who is strong and dependable, so things will be better…I sure hope so.
Our first attempt at a Frozen Embryo Transfer (we have 3 on ice) was put on hold last month, due to concerns about my uterine lining not being high enough... I go in this Wednesday for a hystosonogram to check out what's going on in there. I am hoping we find zero scar tissue, but after the infection that occured with my boys' births last year, scar tissue is a definite possiblity. So... I'm just biding my time until Wednesday until I can find out what's going on in there...
I was devastated by our loss and went into a deep depression for several months. The funny thing was, I didn’t realize I had been depressed until I was coming out of it. We decided to try again in June of 2008 and I began doing acupuncture and guided imagery to calm my nerves as we took another ride on the rollercoaster. My body must have been pretty calm and receptive. We were thrilled to learn that we were pregnant in July and our beta numbers (something any woman doing IUI or IVF tracks like lottery numbers) were off the charts. We couldn’t wait to see how many we were having…but alas, we’d have to wait until week 7 to see how many when we went in for our ultrasounds to see the heartbeats…
Sure enough… at week 6.5… my body began to hemorrhage yet again. I immediately told my husband we’d never do this again… I couldn’t take it… The thing is… you never know how much you can handle until after you are through the storm. We went in for a sono the next morning, on a Saturday, and were delighted to learn that I was still pregnant… with twins! We’d lost one (yes, I’d been pregnant with 3) but twins! We’d hit the lottery!
I did everything right… I had a clot from the loss of the first child, so I stayed in bed a lot. I restricted my travel for work, and rarely went into the office. My husband proceeded to spoil me…still does… and I stayed off my feet as much as possible. We got bi-weekly sonos just to “reassure” us, and were told that they’d start watching my cervix at week 16. We did, and didn’t notice anything major until week 22. My cervix went from 4.6cm in length to 3…still nothing major… but the docs advised me to take it easy and stay in bed as much as possible.
Six days later I went out with my husband for a short trip, at least we thought. That was the last time I saw my house for a month! My back was hurting, which I thought was normal since I was now getting bigger, but when it got better once I started walking, I knew something was off. We went to the hospital and found out I was 4 cm dilated… I could tell by the look on my doctor’s face that he didn’t think we’d be able to do anything to stop the labor.
My doc promised he was going home and would see me in the morning… yet I kept seeing him in my room every 10 minutes…the contractions finally stopped a few hours later and I started living on borrowed time…
Rafe’s water broke the next evening, but he hung on for another week. The day Rafe passed, his brother Solomon’s water broke and I had to have a C-section to try to save him… but it was too early, and we knew it… who lives after 23 weeks and 6 days gestation??? We discussed comfort care with Dr. Santiago, and decided only to do something if it looked like Solomon was trying to fight. There’s a very very fine line between trying to help and support your child and torture, and we didn’t want to torture our son…Solomon came out crying… it was a wonderful sound… like a baby cat… I’ll never forget it…He fought intubation and proceed to have a nice honeymoon in the NICU… but Sami and I knew we were facing tough odds…he had a 5-20% chance of survival…and odds were he’d have major disabilities.
Solomon proved to be a fighter… there were many conversations with the doctors where they told us he wasn’t going to make it, but Solomon kept proving them wrong. Finally, on Dec 21st, he got switched to the big boy breathing tube as he’d made it to close to 3 lbs, and the doctor told us he’d be on a CPAP in a week and home by Valentine’s Day. He passed away around 6 am the next morning from Nectrotizing Intercolitis, or NEC, the silent killer of micro-preemies. When we came in and saw the docs and nurses working on him, we knew it wasn’t good, but they gave us 50/50 odds… I think they only did that because he had proven them wrong so many times before.
How do you lose two babies in a month (4 in a year) and survive? I wasn’t sure we would, but have…so far. What has worked for us? Here’s our short list:
1. We went to counseling… I was told by male co-workers who had had this happen to them that you think you don’t need it, but you do.
2. We started focusing on something besides having babies… we are looking into starting a business in 2010 if the economy helps us out, and naming it after our son Solomon.
3. We spent a lot of time together just being honest about how we felt.
4. We took meds, but only to get us over the hump. We both realized that there had come a time when we needed to get through this on our own… without medication.
5. We visit the boys’ grave (Rafe was cremated so they are buried together) and cry, laugh or scream… sometimes you need to do a combination.
6. We spend time apart… sounds like a contradiction to #3, I know, but after a month of togetherness, we spent a month apart as Sami went home to see his family in Lebanon. I missed him, but it was healthy for us.
7. We decided to take a break before trying again. My fertility doctor told me I could try again last May, but we are shooting for a September/October time frame.
8. I took time to work on myself. I looked into everything that happened and tried to pinpoint what I could do differently next time to avoid a repeat occurrence. We’ll do surgery, bed rest, shots, you name it. I’ve started a lifestyle change and have dropped over 35 lbs so far. Being overweight puts you at a higher risk for preterm labor, and if there is something within my control that I can do, I am giving it my all.
9. We had to make some tough decisions. It’s hard after suffering a loss, but our friends have pulled us out and made us do things… You find out who your real friends are after something like this and have to be strong enough to drop the relationships that just cause you pain.
10. We’ve allowed ourselves to have fun again. Laughter really is the best medicine.
My friend from China assures me that this year will be better. She said last year was the year of the rat… no good in her words… but this year is the year of the Ox, who is strong and dependable, so things will be better…I sure hope so.
Our first attempt at a Frozen Embryo Transfer (we have 3 on ice) was put on hold last month, due to concerns about my uterine lining not being high enough... I go in this Wednesday for a hystosonogram to check out what's going on in there. I am hoping we find zero scar tissue, but after the infection that occured with my boys' births last year, scar tissue is a definite possiblity. So... I'm just biding my time until Wednesday until I can find out what's going on in there...
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