Happy Birthday to me! Happy 13 weeks gestation to our little one!

Sorry it took so long to do the 13 week update. I've had my buttocks kicked pretty hard by a sinus infection that turned to bronchitis that then left me with "mild asthma" per my lung doc which has taken me down for the count. I finally got put on steroids this week because I worried about the effects of the excessive coughing on my poor baby/cervix. We go for a checkup this afternoon and I pray that all the coughing I've done in the past 2 weeks has not taken its toll already. We shall see.

Yesterday was my birthday... I'm no longer 30... ugh! Great... now I feel old. It was an emotional day for me. I remember wanting to have such a huge party for my 30th... I had it all planned. I was going to have a band and all of my family together. Then I got pregnant with twins and was devastated when the docs said I could not travel. After that, I ended up in the hospital delivering my angels right before my birthday anyway and fighting for my son Solmon's life. I'll never forget though just how wonderful last year's birthday was... despite me not having a party. I got to hold my son on my birthday last year... not knowing that he only had 6 more days to live. We celebrated with him by bringing the birthday party to the NICU. Sami and I picked up birthday cupcakes for all the doctors, nurses and staff and it was the best birthday in my life. Better than turning 16 and getting my license or 21 and having a drink. I got to hold my son.

So how was this year? I had wonderful friends and family wishing me happy birthday throughout the day and a great group went to dinner with us last night. But it hurts. My hubby bought me 2 dozen roses, a spa day and a gift card for maternity clothes, and yet it still hurts. You see, I couldn't hold my son this year. And I miss him and his brother Rafe terribly... just terribly. I cannot help but think of how fun this Christmas would have been if they were still with us. Sami said this week that Christmas died for him decades ago when he lost his father. It died quite a bit for me last year when we lost our boys. We are fighting so hard to try and salvage it this year for our unborn child, but it is hard... there's no other word for it. Sami had me in tears this week when he said he was thankful to me and my family for bringing Christmas back alive for him with our celebrations. I think that is what makes it worse this year too... we cannot travel to NC for the family festivities so we are left alone here in Texas with our memories of an awful ending to 2008. What keeps us going is the prospect of a wonderful holiday season in 2010 with our family and our child. That's a dream we really need to come true...