Obsessions...

If you talk to most pregnant women, they look forward to the day they will bring their little one home from the hospital. They obsess over nursery decor and having to wait 2 months to get an ultrasound. They don't however obsess over whether or not they'll be able to carry to term, or wonder how many days this child will have to spend in the NICU until they come home. They don't have weekly doctor visits, have 4 doctors managing their pregnancy, take weekly shots to prevent PTL, or obsess over silly things like cervical length. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to obsess over all of the above! But, our experiences make us stronger, and if I had to go through something like what we've been through, I would like to think we've learned from it.

And then there's my blood sugar readings. I obsess over them too. They've been higher than I'd like lately in part due to the progesterone shots I am taking to prevent PTL. Not only do they make me very very tired, they apparently also affect my body's ability to process insulin. I have an appointment tomorrow with my sugar doctor, and for the firs time, I'm not looking forward to it.

And then there's the obsession about how much Masarra moves. She's a quiet one. She'll let me know she's there, mostly right before bed, but doesn't make a lot of movements... definitely very different from her brothers who were learning to be little soccer players in utero. Masarra likes to take it easy. She doesn't even move around a lot during the sonos. She's used to paparazzi now I suppose. :)

Obsess is a strong word, but it is the right word in this case. I actually went a week without a doctor visit this week, and you'd have thought I'd had to wait 2 months for my next sono! Every time I get a round ligament pain, I worry that it is a contraction, or pelvic pressure indicating that my cervix isn't holding up. Or, God forbid I should get gas, because then I'm convinced I will deliver any minute. Every minute of every day, I am obsessing. I've been told I have to give myself permission to carry to term. I hope it is that easy. Mind over matter they say, right?

So, since I'm on bedrest, I have lots and lots of time for TV. I caught a repeat of Oprah last week about a little boy who'd lost his twin brother and was depressed. Nate, one of her designer buddies who lost his SO in the Tsunami 5 years ago, shared with the family his realization that you could harp on dates and their associated memories be it the day of someone's birth, or their passing, or you could allow yourself to feel emotions as they come, and not only on certain days. It is very liberating.

And then there's Mrs. Wendy Williams, who used her show to bring the spotlight to the issue of women having the courage to try again after losing babies to miscarriage or incompetent cervices. Yep, there she was on national TV in all her glory telling the world her "Cervix had issues" (you should have seen her hand gestures!) but that with medical help and bedrest, she was able to have her son Kevin, who's now 9, after 3 losses (1 miscarriage and 2 losses from IC). Now when I watch Wendy, I am smiling, because 1. she's a hot mess (in a good way) and 2. she's always happy!. So after her revelations this week I decided if she can be happy after all she's been through, I can give myself permission to keep trying and hopefully one day I can be that happy again too.