What can grandparents/family/friends do to help?

The birth of a premature baby is an emotional time for everyone. As a grandparent you probably joyfully anticipated the birth of a healthy baby. It is natural to want to take your child’s fears, pain and anxiety away, but that is sometimes not what he/she needs right now. The parent(s) of the new baby need to be supported. They are going through a life crisis. The first thing to realize is that this is a very difficult and confusing time for the new parents. Our society has not worked out how to deal with the preemie phenomena yet. The advice below may seem contradictory – that means you have to be careful to tune into how things are going for the new parents before you follow any of it. Different people react in different ways, and every parent and every baby is different.
Suggestions on how you can help include:
• Offer a hug, a tear, or other signs of love and concern. Try to be strong for the parent(s) who are on such a roller-coaster ride of emotions.
• Offer to be the family communicator. Find out exactly whom to notify and what the baby’s parent(s) want others to know. Communicate that information – no more. Group emails are a great way to get the word out, and you can always print and save them for a later date to give to the parents. They will appreciate your efforts.
• Try to alleviate guilt. It is natural for a mother of a preemie to feel guilty for not carrying the baby to term and to feel responsible for the condition and problems of the baby. With rare exceptions, there was nothing the mother did to cause the baby to be premature or have problems. She needs to hear this over and over again. Sometimes having her talk to her obstetrician is reassuring.
• If there are other children and they know you well, offer to care for them; spend extra time interacting with them, help them to feel as important as the baby.
• Help with household chores: going on errands, getting groceries, cooking picking up the house, yard work, caring for pets, providing transportation for their other children or for the parents. Often the mother cannot drive for up to 6 weeks after delivery. She may need rides to the hospital until she is released from her doctor.
• Acknowledge the baby’s birth like you would if the baby had been born on time, such as sending flowers to the mother, buy something for the baby, take pictures. Gift suggestions include: disposable cameras or film, baby book, diary or calendar to record important events, snacks for the hospital or coins for the vending machines, pre-paid gas gift cards or pre-paid long distance calling cards, etc.
• Become involved with the new baby only to the extent that the parent(s) desire. Let the parent(s) have time alone with the baby. If they don’t invite you to become involved, accept their need for privacy.
• Be empathetic regarding their concerns for their child. Let them know how worried you were when your children became sick.
• Help parents keep their focus in the right place, on the baby! Decrease additional stresses in their lives. This means putting aside any personal problems, such as disagreements, conflicts with other grandparents or children, or feelings of being “left out.” Be sensitive to the emotional strain that the premature birth is placing on the preemie parents. Try not to do anything to make things harder for them. This may mean excusing them from family duties such as reunions, birthday parties or other gatherings.
• Find something about the baby to compliment at each visit, be it hair color, eyes, willingness to fight, cute feet, long fingers, a loving staff of nurses, etc.
• Praise your son/daughter/friend for his/her strength through this stress; it provides encouragement.
• Help the parent(s) keep up with his/her health. They tend to focus only on the baby, excluding and sometimes risking their own health and well being.
• Suggest talking to a professional or seeking out medical help if the pressures grow too great.
• When setbacks occur, go back over all the successes the baby has had to date; help them acknowledge the battles the baby has already won. Even when setbacks seem minor, do not minimize how difficult they are for the parents.
• Offer to stay with them during NICU visits. Often a parent is alone. It can be a lonely time and just being there may help. If this is refused though, don’t see it as a sign of exclusion; respect the space your child or friend needs.
• Be there for them when they need you. This might be during surgery or a sad moment, when dinners are needed, when they need a hand with the camera or merely a funny card. It may seem like your son/daughter/friend calls only in times of dire need, but that is when they need your help the most.
• Keep in touch often, even when it’s only leaving a message on an answering machine telling them you care. Often, evenings are a good time to see how the baby’s day went. Keep the conversation going only as long as your son/daughter/friend wishes. Remember they are physically and emotionally exhausted and may just need to know that you are thinking of them and their baby. Keep questions general, such as “how was the baby’s day today?”. Try not to ask if everything is “all right”; there is always something that is not right - often it’s just the mere fact that the baby is still hospitalized. They will provide information when they are ready to share it. Often, parents will only tell you that it’s been a bad day. Respect the fact that they do not wish to rehash the painful event again.
• If the nursery allows grandparents to visit, the person should ask permission from the baby’s parent(s) before doing so. This empowers the parents and gives them the message that the grandparent or visitor wants to respect the wishes of the parent(s) and that they understand the seriousness of the baby’s condition. Grandparents can also help others understand the importance of having the parents be the decision makers for their baby. Mothers of preemies are usually extremely protective of their baby during and after the NICU stay. They will typically make the baby’s health a priority over everything else in their life. Be understanding of this.
• Educate yourself. Whether it is through the Internet or books, you will find it easier to understand the factors involved with a premature infant and this will enable you to understand what the parent(s) are going through even more.
• Clean, clean, clean! Remember to always wash your hands before visiting the baby. This should apply to when the baby goes home also. This will help to prevent the spreading of germs that could possibly put the child at risk. Preemies are generally at higher risk for infection and diseases. Please avoid all contact if you think you may be sick or not feeling well. Respect additional instructions that may exist from the parent(s) as there may be special circumstances for further safeguards. When the child comes home, they are still not like a full-term baby. Even if it seems the parent(s) are overreacting, they are just trying to protect the health of the baby.
Having a child admitted into the NICU is usually a new experience for all families. Their lives will be forever changed by the new bundle of joy. The suggestions in this list may not apply to your family but is intended to be a helpful tool that hopefully can make your road a little smoother. Parents of preemies may go through a range of emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression, anxiety, frustration, helplessness and many others. Be patient as they are not themselves at this time. Eventually, things do settle down and the healing can begin (for everyone).Taken from University of Wisconsin Department of Pediatrics: UW Pediatrics: Parents of Preemies